Trips and Traps

terrible toilets

2009-06-30T07:32:00.000-07:00

Toilet stalls in Japan are magical places. They have eight foot walls, toilets with heated seats, and toilet paper for miles. Life at OUA can sometimes be overwhelming. Toilet stalls have become my secret fortresses - places where I can escape from the confusion.

You can imagine my confusion, then, when I entered a stall to find the above monstrosity.

At first I thought it was a bizarre architectural misfire - clearly a builder was drunk and built a urinal on the floor. As I ran across more and more of these the probability of a Japanese drunk construction worker pandemic became less and less likely. People actually use this thing.

It's called a squat toilet - some sort of arcane hybrid of a toilet and the dirt trench latrines I used to dig as a boy scout.

The logistical pratfalls are obvious. Using a public toilet is dubious enough when you're seated - add the challenge of trying to maintain a squat position in the midst of a bowel movement on a urine-pooled floor and you're just begging for disaster.

So what do you do if you run into one of these terrifying little bastards? Hold it. Can't? Find a sink.

Activity

2009-06-29T05:19:00.000-07:00

Fuck I'm busy.

Not busy with schoolwork. The classes here still manage to be almost terrifyingly easy. I can stumble in with half scrawled sketches and still impress - that is, if the class even meets, which it has a tendency not to.

I'm not busy sightseeing either. Yesterday I went to Kobe - my last sightseeing trip. Really I wish I could see the full size Gundam, but I had to cross that off as impractical.

So what have I been doing? Fun things. Most of them either begin or end with Karaoke and liquor. Cosplay Karaoke, however, was a completely sober decision:

This is unlike me. My weekends are packed, my mondays are headachey, and my wallet is perpetually empty.

I'm finally seeing the real Osaka - the kind you can only see by making the rounds with real Osakans. It's a quirky, gross, fascinating place.

I really wish I had more time here.

Quip: koban

2009-06-08T09:14:00.000-07:00

Japan cleverly tried to disguise the head of a giant robot as a Koban.

Nice try, Japan.

Quip: tight pants

2009-06-07T09:24:00.000-07:00

Today I tried to buy some pants.

Buying pants for me can sometimes be a problem for me in the US. I'm a waist size 33. It's one of the most popular sizes and tends to sell out pretty quickly.

In Japan I have a different problem.

See, guys here are skinny. We're not talking your normal hipster nonsense here - they're stick figures. Tiny stick figures with tiny waists and tinier legs. Because of this they dress mostly in what I'm assuming are doll clothes, since they're obviously too small for humans.

The sizes, of course, are the first problem. Oh, what size are these? 29? Oh, ok. These? Oh, they're an 85. These come in M or L, but we have these in a 4 or 5. Thanks.

They'll have 33 US if I'm lucky - but that only leads up to the next challenge: fit. I always thought that not being able to fit your ass into your jeans was a problem reserved for girls... I was wrong. The only way I can describe these things is Jack Skellingtonesque.

The only thing worse than being a size too large for a clothing store is having a salesperson check in on you trying to force your jeans over your apparently massive American thighs.

Lets just say... I'm never going back to that store. Ever.

Nara

2009-06-06T08:09:00.000-07:00

Today I went to Nara to see the friendly deer and massive Buddha that reside there. Both of these things would make amazing pictures.

Unfortunately I forgot my camera - so until my friends upload some of theirs you're going to have to settle for the above artists' rendering. Suffice to say that playing with friendly deer is the bestest thing ever. Why can't all animals be this charming?

Tokyo: Shinjuku and Akiba

2009-06-05T06:21:00.000-07:00

HI SHINJUKU MY NAME IS SAM

Tokyo felt immediately familiar to me. There was something very New York-ian about the atmosphere - a big city energy if you will. People move a little faster, do business a little quicker, and generally mind their own business more than Osakans.

In Osaka I feel constantly challenged. Everything here is so foreign to me and trying to cope gets exhausting. The hosts' hair in Dotonburi alone is enough to give me headaches...

So Tokyo - with its bilingual signs and thriving (by Japan standards) foreign community was a good vacation.

this mural was near our (sketchy) hotel in Korea Town... not sure what it means.

Before I get started there's someone I'd like to thank...

Dear Swine Flu,

Thank you for infecting just enough Osakans to close my school, but not enough to actually be a problem to anyone. Now, I know what you're going to say: "oh, it's just the sensationalist Japanese news blowing this half baked "pandemic" out of proportion to boost ratings!" And you're right, I guess*.

But you still got your timing just right, and I thank you.

I've seriously wanted to go to this place since I was thirteen.

We only had a few days in Tokyo. The three of us are all nerds, so we went to Akihabara: nerd capital of the world.

Prime minister Taro Aso (a "cool old dude") loves Akiba. He also apparently loves dressing up like a Geisha.

Akiba is home to many wonders. Most of them sell anime or videogames or porn, or any combination of those things. While this concept is nothing new to me it was amazing to see it celebrated on such a large scale.

High Schoolers and High School graduates alike (they call them "businessmen" here) flock to Akiba

I spent most of my time dragging my compadres into arcades. Something about the arcade atmosphere makes me feel like I'm five again... or like I'm a crack addict. I wake up later broke and stinking of cigarettes and shame.

uh...

Other highlights:

the Mandrake Complex
A giant multi-level store with a floor dedicated to old and hard to find manga. Manga from the 70s is amazing; bought some naturally.

Cat Cafe
A cafe where you pay to play with cats for half an hour. Had the most jaded desk person I've ever seen - a study in contrasts? Cats were adorable, probably drugged.

Maid Cafe(s)
A cafe where the waitresses are maids. Not a brothel (important). Went to two. These are crazy, and deserve a full post.

Moments before abandoning in a "dreamland" themed Maid Cafe. It was not a dreamland.

The rest of Akiba was dominated by electronics stores - but really it was hard for me to dig deep into it in such a short time. It's ok, I'll be back.

HOLY FUCK

*Unless my theory is correct and the news is actually making black market deals with medical mask manufacturers.

aaaaand... back!

2009-06-04T08:25:00.000-07:00

Hachikō and I just connect. You wouldn't understand.

Ha! Well that was sure a long-ass hiatus! You see a few weeks ago my mac keyboard decided to stop working. My touchpad, always a slave to trends, followed suit. I had to take the both of them to the mac store where they were torn out and replaced promptly. When it comes to electronics I have no patience for slackers.

Anyways, beard faithful, I missed you guys. And by you guys I mean my assumption that there are actually people reading this.*

I have done so many things! Well, several at least. The most important and most interesting of these was my trip to Tokyo in the midst of a Swine Flu pandemic. The least important being my discovery that hotdog bread on a stick is delicious.

Fun things to come!

*And by people reading this I mean my justification for what is essentially a vanity project.

Thomas the Tank Engine... Bus

2009-05-14T16:27:00.000-07:00

This is actually a kids' school bus - possibly the greatest one ever. Apparently there's a Pikachu-bus somewhere around here.

I might steal it.

Salaryman ninja

2009-05-12T08:45:00.001-07:00

Simply amazing.

Giblets

2009-05-11T08:49:00.000-07:00

Oh man, I totally fell off the blog horse for a few days there.

I've been spending a lot of time with my new korean friends slash freaking out about actually having homework so I let it slide.

But no more!

Rather than force something profound out of exhaustion I'll use days like these to provide you with what you want - silly little anecdotes about life in Japan. Example:

I heard once that the human brain reads english words principally by judging the word length along with the first and last letters.

You shluod, for epxmale, be albe to raed tihs.

It's fairly interesting - and it explains why I keep thinking this tower says "rapist":

Stormy Weather

2009-05-07T08:01:00.000-07:00

The weather here is slowly turning from pleasant to uncomfortable.

I've heard that it's bound to happen. First it's warm, then muggy, then rainy. That last part lasts for about a month. Today I got a preview:

It didn't pour so much as drizzle incessantly. It was that gross in-between where you can't decide whether to open your umbrella or not and you always wind up wet regardless. I did not remember my golashes so I spent most of the day sloshing around in waterlogged boat shoes.

I also got my first real animation assignment today: a para-para manga flipbook. Basically I just have to do a head turnaround in a flipbook. I'm trying something a bit more ambitious, though, so it's probably going to take me a good while.

Add that to the other assignments I've incurred in the past few weeks and my workload looks a little waterlogged too.

So it looks like I'm going to have to switch into acting a bit less like an explorer and more like a student. I'm not sure how I feel about this, but I suppose it was innevitable.

Oh well.

INTERNATIONAL STUDENTS UNITE

2009-05-05T07:10:00.000-07:00

Partied today with OUA's biggest group of gaijin - the Korean international students.

Since we couldn't speak eachother's language we restricted ourselves to a universal language: the preparation and consumption of grilled meats. Once we were full of meats and alchohols we played a bizarre variation on dodgeball where the guys have to guard the girls. Also girls weren't allowed to interact with the ball.

Gender equality? Ha! Well it was fun anyway.

Tomorrow we're all going to the aquarium, which will hopefully result in pictures to be posted here.

Hurray!

Golden Week

2009-05-04T08:15:00.000-07:00

It's Golden Week!

"Golden Week" is the name given to the vacation time granted by the three holidays that started yesterday. The name is kind of a misnomer since we only get three days off in a row. I mean seriously I had class Saturday - this barely qualifies as vacation.

If this was America we would probably have moved the Emperor's Birthday up a week and taken Friday off for good measure. Japan, however, takes both its culture and it's work ethic seriously and so this is what we get.

So, what am I doing for this greatest of holidays?

Well... uh...

Hm.

Alright, I have no idea. Frankly I've been doing so much since I got here that I feel like taking a vacation from having adventures. The things I really miss doing are normal things - hanging around eating snacks and watching TV, for example.

I feel like the language barrier has made it impossible for me to make real friends here. Most of the people I talk to are too taken aback by the gimmick of meeting a foreigner to really speak honestly with me.

That said, isn't 90% of communication nonverbal? Maybe I'm giving language too much blame, here.

Tomorrow I'm going to a party with Korean international students. Their Japanese is much better than mine, and perhaps they understand where I'm coming from as fellow foreigners.

We shall see!

Church: again?

2009-05-03T07:39:00.000-07:00

Today I went to a church that conducted service in two languages: Japanese and, of course, Korean. Wait, what?

I've been doing a pretty good job of jamming myself into the last place anyone would ever expect to be a white person. A Korean international church in Japan is one of those places.

I honestly didn't think it would be so bad when I tagged along with Joyce and Ariyana. I imagined a packed room with high ceilings and loud music. Maybe I'd get a few sideways glances - but before long I'd be out of there. No big deal.

The reality was... not that.

small room, folding chairs, quiet music, staring.

When the four people leading the music started they began to stare. I began to turn red. They continued to stare. I began to sweat a bit and laugh nervously. They stared somehow more intentely.

I looked up - nobody in front of me, nobody behind. I was surrounded by empty seats. I couldn't possibly look any taller, or whiter, or less comfortable. I waited until the end of the service.

Wait, why is everyone staring at me? Well, more obviously. Why is that man pointing?

A moment passes.

"Please" a man says behind me "up"

I stand, confused.

Another moment passes.

"Um... please... come... here" the pastor asks. Some hideous terror/embarrassment expression flashes across my face. The entire congregation bursts out laughing.

There are four of us standing now - the newbies. Joyce and Ariyana are here next to me - because they are good friends.

Pastor says something in Korean. He hands the mic to the girl next to me. She says something in korean. He hands the mic to me. He has fear in his eyes.

"H... hi. Thank you for inv..(stutter) inviting me into your church."

silence

"My name is Sam Thurman..."

silence

"Uh.. I'm from New York. Thank you"

Yes! That got them. Fact: all Japanese people (immigrants included) love New York.

Joyce and Ariyana introduced themselves - Joyce in Korean because, well, she speaks it. Then they all sang a song at us. It sounded welcoming enough.

I had a chance to talk with some people after the service. Everyone was actually very kind. Perhaps confused as to why I was there, but kind nonetheless.* I don't know why I'd expect anything less from church people.

And you know what? The service was quite nice too. Calming and ritualistic in a meditative way, not a brain-washing way. If I spoke Korean I might actually consider going back.

But I don't speak Korean.

*It's ok people, I don't know why I was there either.

Church: explication

2009-05-02T08:34:00.000-07:00

The pastor shouted something through the mic. Actually, maybe he wasn't a pastor. That's what we called the man in charge* back when I went to church - but this guy bore little resemblance to father John. Father John wore robes for instance, whereas this guy rocked a Hawaiian shirt. He was, actually, Hawaiian. Did this make it ok? No, I think not.

I'm just going to call him Prayer Guy - that sounds about right.

Prayer guy shouted something through the mic. What was it? It was hard to hear. Jump in the air, right? Jump and share? Not jumping prayer.

No, he said jumping prayer. Crap.

I can only laugh at a ridiculous situation for so long before the reality of my participation in it sinks in. Jumping prayer was my limit.

Lyrics projected onto the wall "God's word is always right, his word is my light, with him I'll never fail!" The band cranked out some shallowed out punk music. The irony of a christian punk song was, if only for a minute, precious.

I used to go to church every week. I liked it. I didn't believe - but that didn't really matter. It was the atmosphere. Church was about calm. Sitting, reading, comforting each-other. Stand up, sit down, eat a cracker, have some coffee cake, go home. Relax. It was something to aspire to.

But jumping prayer? No.

I don't want to go to church and yell at things. I don't want to go to church and plug my ears to the pounding pulse of terrible music. I could go to any crappy club in the city and do that. At least there I wouldn't be hounded to give donations.

Thank you, J House, for the free meal. Thanks for being so nice. Thanks for offering English translations of your theological diarrhea.

And thanks in advance for not holding it against me when I never, ever, come back.

*no, not god - the other one

Church

2009-05-01T08:59:00.000-07:00

Today I went to an international church college night at the suggestion of Hisano-san. Probably... was not the best idea. Well, at least there was free food. Details tomorrow.

Trash Rules

2009-04-30T06:58:00.000-07:00

Japan takes recycling seriously.

Trash must be divided into seven categories: combustible, noncombustible, hazardous, bottles & glass, cans, paper & fabric, and PET plastic bottles. Trash must then be placed in a municipally approved plastic bag and labeled with a sticker (available at your city hall or town office).

Each type of garbage is picked up once or twice per month.*

Large garbage - furniture, electronics, etc. - must be scheduled to be picked up by a trash service at your expense.

Failure to correspond with trash laws will result in the termination of trash services for your domicile. You must then make arrangements with a trash service at your expense.

Paraphrased.

*At my building bottles, for example, are picked up on the third Wednesday of every month. Ugh.

Kyoto is for Lovers

2009-04-29T08:56:00.001-07:00

Love was in the air in Kyoto today. I saw couples laying by the river holding hands, a couple preparing for marriage, and a few too many strange white people giving Japanese women the creepy eyes.

Kyoto still feels a bit like Japan-Land to me - a place where foreigners pay steep entrance fees to stare at pretty Japanese people/buildings. It's hard for me to appreciate Kyoto's Shinto temples when the sound of chanting is overwhelmed by that of clicking cameras.

Nevertheless I did see some very, very beautiful things...

The first of which was this massive "Super Big Parfait" that five of us split. The waitress tried her best not to crack up when she delivered it - that was nice of her. For the record, we finished it.

We walked straight from parfait to temple. Unfortunately I don't know much about the places we visited. Fortunately they were magnificent.

No picture could really convey the size of this temple. The ceilings must have been seventy feet tall.

There was some sort of ceremony going on inside - rhythmic chanting and bells and thick incense filled the room, which was gold leaved and intricately carved - it was magnificent.

No photos were allowed.

Apparently temple grounds frequently house murders of crows. The ones here were roughly cat-sized.

We were lucky enough to see a bride preparing for a traditional wedding.

Nearby vendors sold traditional goods - such as plastic smiling neon feces and bouncing dragon balls. Classy.

We also managed to see a geisha play put on to welcome summer. It was a sad story - one of honor and unrequited love.

The set changes alone made the show worthwhile. Sections of floor were moved away and new ones were lifted into place as the scenery flipped from Autumn to Winter in the background. The geisha were, of course, flawless. They really looked like china dolls drifting across the stage.

Kyoto was much more impressive the second time around. That said, I would still prefer a less packaged experience. I'm sure I'll find it.

Mayo

2009-04-28T07:48:00.000-07:00

When I think of mayo in America I generally think of a fat slob slathering mayo out of a pop top kraft jug. When Japanese people think of mayo I imagine they must think of the above - the Kewpie baby welcoming them with open arms.

Perhaps this explains why they're so freakin' crazy about mayo.

Want okonomiyaki? You're going to get it criss crossed with mayo. Takoyaki? More mayo. Yakisoba? Probably has mayo in it.

Grocery stores carry Kewpie bottles in a variety of sizes to satisfy your lust for the 'naise. Today I counted five. The largest of the bunch was the size of my forearm. The smallest was about as big as a travel toothpaste - just in case you need some on the go.

Now to be honest the mayo here does taste a lot better than what I've been given in the states. I can't put my finger on it, but it has less of that... uh... mayo taste.

Today I bought my first bottle - an entry level about the size of a small bottle of ketchup. Will I walk away obsessed? Only time will tell.

Osaka City Photo Adventure 1

2009-04-27T08:16:00.000-07:00

I... AM... GLICO MAN!

The entrance to Dotonbori - Osaka City's downtown

A man walking a ferret.

Babs in front of a hip-hop clothing store in America town - SO MANY FUCKING COLORS

Yes, this is me eating brains.

See the worst parts of this picture? That's the stomach. Stay away.

GO THERE

Beware triangular nosed men.

Ramen from a shop in Den Den Town. Better than anything.

uh....

Jennice inside Super Potato - the most amazing videogame store ever.

Porn shops all over Den Den town have a hilarious/surreal/disturbing ad campaign featuring a stoic middle aged woman. Gives me the heebie jeebies.

Brains

2009-04-26T09:25:00.000-07:00

Spent the day in Osaka city with Babs and Vince.

Despite not really having a plan or any idea where we were going we somehow found everyplace we could have hoped for.

First we wandered through porn shops and videogame stores in Den Den town. Then we headed back uptown to check out clothing stores. Eventually we found our way to the madness of America Mura - a massive America themed network of stores. I'm not sure what America they were riffing off of there, but it wasn't the same one I'm from. It did, however, have an amazing Army/Navy store.

We meandered away from that insanity to the high fashion district. There we looked at things we'll never afford - seven hundred dollar riding pants and thousand dollar boots, for example.

Finally we stumbled accross Dotonbori - Osaka's downtown. Well, perhaps we were called there by the walls of flickering neon signs and giant motorized crabs.

We dodged hawkers and spiky haired androgenous hosts long enough to find a barbecue restaurant tucked underneath a nondescript building. When we entered we had to forfeit our shoes before being lead to our own booth. After some confusion we ordered three dishes, each from a different part of the cow.

I'm just going to say it - brains are delicious. It disturbs me a bit to know that ever person walking around has a treasure trove of fatty goodness sloshing around in their noggin. Maybe zombies had the right idea.

I've lost my camera cable - but as soon as I find it I'll post pictures of all the magical organ-y goodness. It was a good day.

Oh, and stomach is disgusting, FYI.

Personal day.

2009-04-24T05:06:00.000-07:00

Hey gang. I'd love to talk about wacky goings-on today, or even continue some of the posts I've already made, but I'm taking a personal night. That means beer, oreos, and some Steven Chow. I need to recharge my batteries.

Very, very small pond.

2009-04-23T08:51:00.000-07:00

A week or so ago an enterprising group of students photographed me from the eyes up for a tumbler design contest poster. At the time I didn't think much of it. I just assumed that they wanted diversity - the bunch of us from MICA being the only non-asians around made us the go-to guys.

You can imagine my surprise, then, when I walked into the OUA main lobby to be greeted by a four foot high poster of my forehead.

I'm like a local celebrity here. Well, that or the town freak. For the sake of fairness let's say I'm somewhere in between. My skin color and my height are enough to make me the focal point of any crowd. Throw a me-centric ad campaign in there and, well, let's just say I don't blend in.

Sometimes it's a ridiculous ego boost. Oh, hello Japanese Art School! Check out my skin color! Listen to me speak my native language! Isn't it amazing? Just like TV!

There are, however, some days when you don't want everyone to stare at you. Days when you don't have time to shower, or wash your clothes, or put on deodorant. It's enough to make me seriously self-conscious.

So what do I do? Well, either I try and stay immaculate or go for broke and stop caring, I guess. Let's just say I'm moving from the former to the latter.

Nerd

2009-04-22T09:38:00.000-07:00

I spent today in Den Den Town - Osaka city's nerd district. It was awesome.

How awesome? Well you'll have to wait a bit to find out. I just spent the last few hours putting together a model kit, and I need some sleep.

Aikido, Judo, Kendo, etc. (+do)

2009-04-21T09:27:00.000-07:00

Today I went to check out OUA's aikido club. It turned out, however, that all of the school's martial arts clubs were having a joint practice - lucky! Frankly it was more exercise than I've had in years.

The light exercise I handled fine - biking was enough practice for that. I even made it through the judo throws admirably. When the Karate leader said we were going to strength train with sumo, however, things got dicey.

I'm tall, yes, but I am not that strong. Perhaps the leader didn't see the limp noodles (arms?) hanging out of my shirt sleeves when he called the biggest freakin' Japanese man in the dojo to kick my ass.

I actually made it through the sumo with a tie - thank you bizarre leg stregnth. The chariot-style tug of war, however, didn't go quite as favorably.

Basically the man-bear training partner I had looped a belt around my waist. My job was to run as hard as possible. His job was to pull me as far back as possible. After two minutes we switch.

Now, maybe I should have had something more to drink today than an extra large boss coffee. And maybe slim-fit linnen jeans weren't the best training pants. Regardless he wiped the floor with me, metaphorically and in reality.

By the time practice ended I was basically sweating salt. I tried to remain as polite as possible talking to the aikido teacher, a halo of red closing in on my vision. Eventually I broke: "please... very tired... water!"

I sat on the floor next to the water fountain to collect myself. As my vision returned I tried to explain my philosophy on aikido and life to the aikido leader. Even when he couldn't understand my words, I think he understood my tone.

I'm still running on endorphins. OUA really goes out of its way to provide students with ways to exercise. Its a welcome change - one I'll embrace wholeheartedly.

OUA Festival part 1

2009-04-20T09:10:00.000-07:00

Art festival diary, part one:

As I walked towards OUA I heard a petit voice wail in my direction: "SA-MU." Oh sweet god, is that a girl on a motor scooter asking me if I want to ride with her to school? Is that a matching helmet with a star on it? Perfect?

Well, almost. Unfortunately the adorable-ness of Hitomi's scooter/helmet combo was outgunned by the piercing wail of her voice as she crossed the line from giggly to insane. I've found that people here frequently use laughter to cover up their embarassment at not being able to speak enough english. With Hitomi it's something far beyond that. And uncontrollable compulsion, perhaps - maybe prelude to some kind of seizure.

Later I realized that I had never met Hitomi before. How she knew my name is beyond me. I'm keeping my windows shut and locked from now on.

I managed to explain to her that I had to meet my friends - I think she got the message. After walking a bit down the street I ran down a back path to avoid an awkward wave. See, all that exploring paid off in the end.

I met up with Joyce and Ariyana and the three of us went to the festival.

More to come in part II! Including some pictures!

Art Festival, Karaoke, Insanity

2009-04-19T09:02:00.000-07:00

My day started at 9:45 AM with a friendly albeit wildly overenthusiastic scooter girl, and ended around midnight with screaming nerd karaoke. Also I think I'm in a Japanese longbow club.

Is it seriously 1 AM? Full story tomorrow.

A Thought - Contrasts

2009-04-18T08:07:00.000-07:00

A few minutes down the street for me there is a small farm. It sells produce grown a stone's throw away, and is run by adorable old people. Three feet away from that is a DVD machine that sells some of the sickest porn you've ever seen.

Who is the target audience here?

Clubs

2009-04-17T08:08:00.000-07:00

Today I visited CAS - the OUA Comic and Animation Society. Basically it's nerd club. Also it is awesome.

Clubs at OUA are something far removed from what I'm used to back in the states, where I run an Asian Film Club. At MICA, for example, I had to fill out a small packet full of paperwork just to get a classroom one night per week. In Japan every club gets its own room, no questions asked.

They can use this room for whatever they want, and it's theirs 24/7. Walk by the club rooms any day of the week and you'll see students hanging around - working, playing majong, or just chilling out.

The CAS room had bookshelves stuffed with nerd-reading material as well as a large TV hooked up to a mini PC. It was on this PC that they showed us some of their yearly animation reels, as well as several shorts they filmed just for kicks.

Also they publish a comics compilation book every year, which they sell. And they really get it printed from a printer - no xerox here.

I've never seen students (especially art students) come together like this. What would it take to raise this kind of team spirit at MICA? Is it possible?

This Sunday the club is hosting a party. We're supposed to be able to find it by the girl with green hair standing at the entrance. What have I gotten myself into...

International Party

2009-04-16T07:03:00.000-07:00

A MICA class party is a sad affair. Scrawny art students gather around dimly-lit tables, drawn there by free pizza of questionable quality. They force down mouthfulls of mostly cooked dough (covered in something somehow worse than grocery store Ragu) stopping only to breathe or perhaps to complain about the lack of a vegan option.

Today the printmaking department threw a party for the international students - and, yet again, my brain exploded a bit.

They brought in not only snacks but food. Real food. Fresh takoyaki (the pan-fried octopus donuts that I've come to love) made on portable tabletop grills tided us over until rice was ready for sushi. Beer was passed out along with less alchoholic fare, and merriment ensued.

Then we played games. The silly kind of games that require little language and thought. Even the elder teachers participated - I guess they value lighthearted fun more than their MICA counterparts.

Bonus: We left the classroom to the sound of... battle!? And pumping techno music? It was the OUA Gedai Ga(!) club - a club of super nerds that puts on absurdly well coreographed fights in the style of old school Japanese kids' shows.

When they're in costume it's impossible for them to talk into a mic - so they have voice actors providing the voices for them. When we saw them they were not in costume... but still had voice actors doing the talking. This was particularly bizarre in regard to the female ranger, who was being played by a boy.

Say what you will, that kid could high kick like nobody's business. Easily one of the most surreal/bizarre/hilarious/amazing things I've ever seen.

It was too dark to get a decent photo... but they're performing this sunday. Oh yes, I'm there.

Nonpost

2009-04-15T06:54:00.000-07:00

Today actually went very well. My professor was super patient and spoke a fair amount of english, and I met a decent number of very nice students.

That said my bike tire blew and I had to walk home. I am super exhausted, gang.

So rather than ramble incoherently I think I'm just going to bed.

Goodnight!

Galoshes

2009-04-14T06:22:00.000-07:00

Galoshes are rubber slips that go over your shoes. They have their roots back in the middle ages, but have fallen out of fashion recently because they look retarded. They are, however, practical and cheap.

As I dragged myself through the pouring rain back to my apartment at the end of a difficult day today I found sanctity in two things - my half gallon of boss coffee and my galoshes.

See, I don't speak any Japanese. In a Japanese school in Japan this can be an issue. Especially when your Japanese teacher calls on your to introduce yourself in Japanese and your brain (metaphorically) explodes.

Fortunately (for me) none of the other MICA students spoke any Japanese either - so at least we all looked like idiots together. I think they're putting us in our own section. It's going to focus on basic conversational Japanese since trying to teach us how to write is apparently far too advanced. Maybe they'll give us special helmets to wear, too.

I mean, these galoshes do already make me look like I'm waring safety shoes.

Overcoming the language barrier is going to be as big a challenge as I've faced. I know that there will be more frustrating days ahead - conquering them is what's ultimately going to bring me the most satisfaction.

Classes continue tomorrow. Bring it on!

Alien Registration + Some OUA

2009-04-13T06:15:00.001-07:00

I took these pictures at a drug store photo booth. There are little photo booths scattered all over Minamikawachi - Mr. Hisano said people generally have them taken for resumes. I imagine in America something like this would raise all kinds of discrimination flags(!) but here apparently not. Regardless the booths have the uncanny ability to make your skin look like freshly molded plastic.

I needed them to fill out my alien registration paperwork, which (thank god for Mr. Hisano) was a relatively painless process. Soon I will be an official Osaka resident!

Also today I had a chance to explore campus a bit!

OUA has a much larger campus than MICA. Its industrial architecture is a pretty far cry from MICAs century old marble staircases. While both have their charms I am a big fan of OUAs escher-esque staircases:

The view seals the deal, though:

Though really what endears me to OUA is the food. OUA has three cafeterias, two small restaurants, and a bakery. So far the food has all been somewhat healthy and (more importantly) exponentially more delicious than MICA's southern fried garbage:

Katsu-don: 440 Yen (roughly $4.50). Contains an egg, onion, fried pork, and rice. Delicious and filling - and it doesn't leave you feeling like you rubbed it all over your face*.

Tomorrow I have my first class - Japanese! I don't really know what to expect, but the way things have been working out it's hard not to be positive.

*Meyerhoff cheeseburgers, I'm talking to you.

Bike Photo Tour - Minamikawachi

2009-04-12T04:42:00.000-07:00

There are a bunch of small bike-only paths around Minamikawachi. Today I explored two of them, hoping to shave some time off my commute.

I left the house around nine. Outside my apartment is a scenic construction yard, complete with grinding machinery and steam vents:

Good morning, steam vent!

There are several Leo Palace buildings, all of which seem to be around some dubious industrial landmark. I guess that's why it's so cheap? Regardless I'm still fond of it, even if it obviously isn't a palace:

After leaving the palace I headed north. This street is pretty typical for the area - a narrow road with no sidewalk or shoulder, farms on either side:

A ways down the road is a graveyard. You can find your way there by the smell of incense.

I really want to poke around - but I don't want to be disrespectful to the people paying their respects. It's so beautiful, though.

Down a bit further is the first trail I wanted to check out. I didn't think anyone used these until a few days ago when I saw a tiny, uniformed middle schooler rattling down the trail.

Making my way down the trail would have been a lot faster if it were better maintained (maintained at all?) - regardless, at the end, I was surprised to find...

A mini peninsula of sorts! There were benches there next to a proper cement path that looped back towards the river.

On the way was a baseball field. All around the river Minamikawach...i...ans(?) were biking, having picnics, and generally enjoying life. It was fun to see.

Further along the path connected with the river bike trail proper. Look closely and you'll see a tiny man walking towards the bridge. He was very, very drunk.

Came out here. Ah! I'd seen this entrance a bunch of times before and had always wondered where it went. I continued towards Meji Mart. Chow time.

I wish I'd had a video camera - that man by the tree was practicing some sort of karate. It looked like he was fighting invisible ninjas! I got so caught up watching him I almost got hit by a car. Worth it.

I passed more farms, mountains in the distance. I wonder if any of those are good for hiking? I stopped at Hana Hana, a local patisserie.

People around here seem to have a fashion sense so honed it makes them impervious to heat. They'll walk around in the seventy five degree sun with leather jackets and sweatshirts on. I wore a light jacket in a vain attempt to fit in - though honestly it's not like I'm going to fool anyone.

I was getting crazy overheated, so I bought this "ICE KUCHEN" from a Hana Hana. I'm still not sure what it was, but it tasted kind of like green tea? I also bought an amazingly adorable little piece of strawberry cake which seemed to be the store specialty. I then scooted the bike over to Meji mart across the street...

Every store here has bike parking since most people either bike or ride scooters. I don't even bother locking my bike anymore - partially because it's a piece of crap but mostly because there's so little theft here.

Meji mart is a compact, fully featured supermarket. It has a surprisingly large produce selection as well as an awesome ready-to-eat section. For the moment I'm living off of the latter - got a bento full of fried things and some chopsticks for lunch and scooted my bad self on home.

Yes.

YES.

Headed back out after lunch to explore another small path. Those of you with common sense might note that eating a meal full of cake and fried things after three hours of biking then biking immediately after is a terrible idea. Didn't occur to me at the time.

This path took me through some awesome farms that all seemed to be teetering on the edge of decay. Accross the water you can see families picnicking. I eventually found my way to another, larger baseball field!

Mr. Hisano tells us that baseball is huge in Osaka - the Hanshin Tigers have some of the most spirited fans in the world. I hope I've got to get to a game. I dig that they still use parasoals here.

This path eventually curved back towards OUA. Before heading home I stopped at Family Mart:

Family Mart is a convenience store very similar to 7-11. This one is always filled with cool looking college dudes and dude-ettes.

Ah, that's what I wanted - sweet Pocari Sweat. "With the appropriate density and electrolytes, close to that of human body fluid, it can be easily absorbed into the body."

It tastes kind of like melon and can be quite refreshing if you can get past the consistency which is... well... "close to that of human body fluid."

Gross. Delicious.

Refueled I made my way back to Leo Palace. I'm glad I took some more time to explore, even if none of the paths turned out to be secret shortcuts. Once classes start I probably won't have much time for leisurely bike rides.

Tomorrow we're going to finish up some logistical things, then Tuesday we register for classes. Exciting!

Kyoto

2009-04-11T05:32:00.000-07:00

Today we went to Kyoto – the capital of Kyoto prefecture and the former capital of Japan!

Kyoto is packed with temples, statues, restaurants, and historical architecture.

Not only does it maintain many ancient shrines and historical buildings – it also houses many of the historically accurate sets used in dramas and Samurai movies. You've probably seen it even if you think you haven't.

Considering this I shouldn’t have been surprised that Kyoto Castle felt so much like a movie set. We spent most of our time in Kyoto being shepherded through the castle grounds. I mean, it was beautiful – the woodcarvings and reflecting pools alone were worth the trip – it just felt so… well… tourist-y.
It felt like something that could be faithfully reconstructed in an amusement park. The gorgeous scenery was tempered by the castle's bland foreigner-friendly atmosphere. I have to say I expected a bit more from Kyoto.

Now that we know how to get there (no small feat – two trains, two busses, and a whole lot of asking for help) I think it’s time to plan this out. I know there's more to Kyoto than this. It’s just hard to get lost in a place when everyone around is busy either trying to sell you souvenirs or taking photos. Then again… did I mention it was beautiful?
Now that I’ve seen the city’s vibrant center I think I’m ready to find some of the quiet corners. I read about some shrines and temples that look amazing - perhaps more pensive and less roped off than the castle. Train times make an extended stay difficult - maybe a hotel room is in order. I look forward to returning!
Unrelated!

Minamikawachi

2009-04-10T07:20:00.001-07:00

I’m in Japan!

It was hard for me to forecast how I was going to react to this trip. I anticipated the worst – "Will I be anxious? Nervous? Terrified?" No.

I haven’t spent the last few days in terror - I’ve spent them in awe. This place is amazing.

Minamakawachi is a working town. Just outside my building there is a construction yard. Walk down the street and you’ll see working farms the size of back yards, tiny family owned bars, and a police station the size of a clubhouse.

Keep going and you’ll reach a beautiful park next to a river with a bike trail – used by spandexed bikers and rickety old ladies alike. Look by the bank and you’ll see a small outdoor kitchen - set up by the homeless man who lives there. Don’t be alarmed if you see clothes lying on the rocks, he’s probably just doing his laundry.

Minamikawachi feels more real to me than any of Long Island’s urban developments. This isn’t some perfectly planned out college town or grid-mapped city; it’s a bizarre little working town that has survived with its idiosyncrasies intact. Streets stop suddenly, sidewalks disappear, and roads branch off into cement pathways only usable by bike.

I’ve gotten lost three times now while trying to find my apartment. Each time I lose my way I discover something else amazing. I’m so fascinated by the character of these ramshackle little streets that I feel fortunate just to walk them. Now that I know my way I've begun getting lost on purpose.
I feel like most everything here is gorgeous, and the things that aren't are fascinating. I'll do my best to document both.

Oh, and I've updated the map with some more locations and my commute to school. Check it out.

Lost in Osaka

2009-04-09T08:30:00.001-07:00

Sometimes in order to find the right way to do something you must first figure out all the wrong ways. Today I found all the streets in Osaka that don't lead to my apartment. Good thing Osaka is gorgeous:
I finally made it back to my apartment after half an hour of what seemed like hopeless wandering - writing at this point would be about as fun to write as it would be to read, so I'm going to get some rest.

Full impressions of the flight, Osaka thusfar, and everything else come tomorrow.

'night!

One

2009-04-07T02:25:00.000-07:00

Here's where I say it's one day until I leave for Japan... but really I'm leaving in a few hours. Oh well!

So I took pictures of every thing I'm taking abroad. I was going to include an extensive list - but it's five thirty in the morning. Frankly, I would rather not. Instead I present them to you sans narration:

Super blog entry in a few days, folks. See you then!

Two.

2009-04-05T20:53:00.000-07:00

Two days until I leave for Japan.

Tomorrow I'm going to post pictures of every single thing I'm taking abroad. They'll be here.

The day after that I'm leaving.

While I'm traveling I'm going to write something every hour - stream of consciousness. I won't have web access for a little while, so I'm going to return with a crazy huge blog entry when I do.

Also, there's going to be tons of pictures! Shit's gonna get crazy.

Three.

2009-04-04T22:52:00.000-07:00

Three days until I leave for Japan.

A Shorthand Conversation
translations in italics

Ted: :)
-Sara, I had a really nice time last night.

Sara: lol
-I did too I guess. Calm down.

Ted: ;)
Also I am sexually attracted to you. I wanted to be more overt about it, but making text genitalia on a number pad is tough.

Sara: ...
You can't be sweet and emotional and lewd and sexual at the same time, Ted. The dichotomy is freaking me out.

Ted: wut?
An ellipsis? What the hell does that mean? She had a good time, right? I think I saw her touch her hair, like, at least twice. And when we were walking she kept bumping into me! Yeah, no, she's just screwin' around.

Ted: D:
Oh god, what did I say? Fuck! Alright, maybe if I make another face she'll think I'm still being lighthearted and fun. She's probably just being coy. She'll be all ";D" and I'll be all "lol!" And no more text messages... stay in control Ted...

Ted: ru ok?
That's legitimate, right? She could be in danger! Oh god please write something...

Sara: im ok, gnite
Ugh... please just go away...

Ted: nite ;D
Alright! Goodnight = sleep = bedroom = sex. Checkmate.

Four.

2009-04-03T21:43:00.000-07:00

Four days until I leave for Japan.

If you've been wondering who the fellow up top is, his name is Taro Aso, and he's the prime minister of Japan. He's fluent in english, a crack shot with a gun, and apparently reads manga*.

Also he occasionally says something extremely ill-advised - like in 2001 when he said he'll turn Japan into a place where "rich Jews" will want to live.

But really all I care about is that he makes all manner of silly faces. Is this the way Japan felt about Bush?

*My suspicion is this was just a ploy to get the otaku vote.
**Here's the article.

Five.

2009-04-02T18:14:00.000-07:00

Five days until I leave for Japan.

Let's talk for a second about megaman.

I have a fondness for megaman. Well, ok, maybe an obsession. A light obsession.

It all started when my brothers rented Megaman X. Back then the house videogame dynamic was pretty simple: they game, I watch. And when I watched megaman I knew that it was the greatest thing to ever exist ever.

Every time we went to blockbuster I would beg my parents to let me rent it. I made rounds collecting dropped pennies and couch change - anything to get my $3.50 megaman fix.

For years I fantasized about being megaman - well Zero really (he's like megaman but more badass because he has a sword). My life would be so amazing! Jumping twenty feet in the air, launching giant drills at cracked walls to collect powerups, sliding under bullets and arking lightning spheres at my foes - it was a welcome alternative to leggos*.

megaman pins firmly affixed to my man-bag

Someone annoys me? No problem. A little charge time and I can send a boulder-sized laser ball of death their way. After it connects maybe I'll filter through the smouldering ash pile - all that remains - for health pickups or spare bolts.

To this day I find myself secretly raising an outstretched arm in the direction of my enemy, fist clenched.

Activate, laser arm! Activate!

video
*Not to trash leggos. I love leggos. Just, well, they aren't very effective against giant evil robots.

Six.

2009-04-01T23:38:00.000-07:00

Six days until I leave for Japan.

It's strange. How should I feel? Excited? Nervous? I'm torn.

Part of me wants to get out of here as fast as possible.

The grating boredom of this place has left me with nothing to do but try and make up rap songs to the metered drip of raindrops ticking off the drainpipe. The results are lackluster. For a moment I think that I'm lucky there isn't anyone around to hear it... but no, I'm ready to be around people again.

The other part of me - the sentimental part(?) - wants to clamp onto the floorboards for dear life. As of today the house is back on the market. When I come back to America it's very likely I won't be returning here at all. I'll be transplanted to a couch in my mom's new living room.

And who will live here?

A young family, probably. As they survey the cracked tiles and stained floors they'll probably wonder how the previous owner let it get this bad.

Best they don't find out that the black stains on the hardwood floors were borne out of a neurotic young puppy's stagnant urine.

Maybe they'll notice the poorly patched holes in the walls - a side effect of too tall adolescents who didn't know how to be angry.

Maybe before I leave I'll take a look through the house and catalog these things: the scars my family has left on this house during our time here. The further I am away from them the faster I forget them - and these are things that, for better or worse, I shouldn't forget.

Seven.

2009-03-31T21:36:00.001-07:00

Seven days until I leave for Japan.

So today what do you get? Another map!

This one is a little more intense - it's a map of all the places I know about in Osaka. As of now, it's not much - but I'll be mapping out my travels on it.

By the time I leave it should be pretty well packed - with pictures, anecdotes, and silly stories.

Trips and Traps - the map!

Eight.

2009-03-30T21:05:00.000-07:00

Eight days until I leave for Japan

But it won't be easy getting there - I'm looking at a full twenty four hours of travel here.

EDIT (for clarity) - it is actually when you factor in car rides, arriving to the airport early, and layovers that my travel time approaches 24 hours. Map will be edited to reflect this.

That's seventeen hours in the air - my longest flight is thirteen hours.

How will I handle a flight of that legnth? Snacks? Tetris? Airplane wine?

We shall see. In the meantime I've made a little map detailing the ridiculousness of my flight. Enjoy!

Link to Full Map

ps. Click for detail - I know tiny embedded maps can be infuriating.

Nine.

2009-03-29T21:08:00.000-07:00

Nine days until I leave for Japan.

I'm lucky enough to have a few oddly comprehensive Japanese language books - it is thanks to them that I present:

Japanese for Creepers

convenient phrases for creepy people

Do you believe in destiny?
Unmei-tte shinjiru?

I've been watching you.
Kimi-no-koto zutto mitetano-yo.

You're really pretty.
Kimi-tte honto-ni kawaii-ne.

I think of you night and day.
Kimi-no-koto ichinichi-ju kangaeteru-yo

What time is your curfew?
Mongen nanji?

Your lips are so soft.
Kimi-no kuchibiru-wa totemo ii-ne

Ask me anything you want except what color underwear I'm wearing.
Nani iro-no shitagi-o tsuketeruka-wa oshienai kedo.

Ten.

2009-03-28T21:13:00.001-07:00

Ten days until I leave for Japan.

Being tall affords me a few advantages:

I can dust shelves you've never even seen.
I'll know if you're balding way before you ever will.
I have a natural advantage when it comes to bird watching.
I can raise my hand with authority.
I'll never lose anyone in a supermarket.

When I'm in Japan I should be able to add another one to the list: scaring the holy hell out of people...

I'm 6'4. The height of the average Japanese male is 5'7.5. That would put the average Japanese male's eye level somewhere around my collar bone - making staring contests and headbutts impossible.*

So what does this mean?

Well, it's more than likely I'm going to be mistaken for a Kaiju - a giant monster** hell bent on tearing up Japan.

Japan is well practiced at dealing with Kaiju, so I should bone up on my fighting skills. They could send a giant dinosaur, robot dinosaur, or - in rare cases - a rocket turtle.

*more startling is the fact that virtually all Japanese people will be able to see up my nose... I'm going to have to start trimming my nose hair...
**that looks suspiciously like a man in a foam-rubber suit

Vampire Underload

2009-03-27T21:46:00.000-07:00

I just got back from my friend Haniya's pre-21st birthday potluck. There was much merriment to be had, along with a three layer chili-dip and s'more pie.

Of course bargain wine in coffee cups played a part.

I'm not in any place to write anything profound, so here's something I drew:And that's all for tonight!

11 days...

Master List for Japan

2009-03-26T20:55:00.001-07:00

Click for detail.

13 Days

2009-03-25T19:18:00.001-07:00

13 days until I leave

Calculating the exact number of days was probably a bad idea. Every day until I leave I'll now be counting down: 12 days... 8 days... 3 days until I ship off to a country so foreign that trying to anticipate what awaits me there is pointless.

But I'm going to do it anyway...

Snap Judgments About Japan
because I don't know any better

People: pretty, materialistic, emotionally guarded, very polite, very put together, comically emotive in social situations and stoic in professional situations

Scenery: meticulous separation of spaces, mundane architecture is fascinating to foreign eyes, fascinating architecture is fascinating

Public Transportation: clean, well thought out, baffling

Food: delicious, cheap food is cheap - everything else is expensive, consisting of ocean things I don't think of as 'food' per se

TV: mesmerizing, hyperkinetic, baffling

It will be fun to go back and amend these when I, well, do know better.

Preparations Nearing Completion

2009-03-24T21:02:00.000-07:00

Things I Have Done

to prepare for Japan

Get accepted.
Get passport.
Get certificate of entry.
Get visa (one year, multiple entry student visa).
Get a haircut.
Get clothes suitable to a more tropical climate.
FREAK THE HELL OUT

Things I Have Not Done
to prepare for Japan

Learn Japanese.
Remain Calm.

Farewell to a Beard

2009-03-23T13:38:00.000-07:00

Alright, I fixed the video. Let's hope Vimeo isn't so anal about copyrights.

Farewell to a Beard from Sam Thurman on Vimeo.

Street Food in Osaka

2009-03-23T11:15:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine has turned me on to this short special Al Jazeera did on street food in Osaka. Best part: the reporter eats possibly deadly Fugu (poisonous blowfish) with some real Yakuza.

What does it take to get into the Yakuza? A big heart, apparently.

Hundreth Post: Farewell, Beard

2009-03-22T23:25:00.000-07:00

EDIT: sound is not working, due to some youtube silliness. I'll repost with another host soon.

And so today I said farewell to my beard - not with words, but instead with an electric razor. I'd elaborate but I'm getting a bit emotional... I'll just let the video do the talking:

Oh, and if it isn't working check back later - not to toot my own horn but you don't want to miss this one.

On the Eve of De-Bearding

2009-03-21T23:53:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow's post will be my hundreth - and it will be about my de-bearding. There will be a video. Try and recall the Natalie Portman head shaving scene from V for Vendetta, then multiply that by how sad it was when Simba's dad dies in Lion King and you'll have an idea what this is going to be like.

Oh beard faithful, what a wild road it has been. I only ask that you recognize it is the man behind the beard - not the beard itself - that has kept you entertained.

And will continue to do so.

The Thurman Cafe

2009-03-20T21:38:00.001-07:00

Today my brother and I walked to the Thurman cafe, conveniently located on Thurman street. There we looked over the menu which included "The Thurman Burger" and "The Thurmanator." Nearby a sign asked if we were man enough to "get Thurmanated."

Like they had to ask.

I am afraid of public bathrooms.

2009-03-19T22:00:00.000-07:00

And if you were as tall as me, you would be too.

It works out like this: I enter into the bathroom and slide into a stall. I then, with the grace of a dancer close the door, lock the door, and lift the toilet lid all without using my feet. For a moment I reflect on my skill - how clever I am, locking the door with my foot . How skilled. It's at that point I realize that the stall around me is only tall enough to shield me from the nose down.

Instantly I panic. All it would take is one other tall person - perhaps one similarly disgusted by the prospect of an open-air urinal - to drop trau in an adjacent stall to urinate. I would suddenly be at eye level with a peeing man. We would never aknowledge eachother's presence, desperately trying to urinate as fast as possible and escape. Awkward.

I thought about all this as I sipped my third rum and coke - a beverage I consume mostly because I don't know enough about alchohol to get anything else - weighing this negative against the positive: my kidneys not exploding.

I wonder if the girl I was next to - a girl who referred to herself as my brothers' band's "like, only groupie or something" - could sense that I found bathroom etiquette much more interesting than how her ride like totally left her, or how shit-faced she was.

(road) Trips

2009-03-18T19:54:00.000-07:00

Well gang, it looks like everything is going to come to a head soon. Tomorrow I'm going to visit my brother until Sunday, then I'll prep for my trip for two weeks, then on April 7th I leave the country. Forever.*

But let's not get ahead of ourselves here. Currently I find myself possibly as far removed from the lights of Japan as possible - watching MTV in a Holiday Inn, my stomach battling a plate of chopped steak.

Chopped steak, incidentally, is totally nothing like what it sounds like.

I imagined a flank steak, medium rare, 'chopped' into slices and served alongside sauteed mushrooms. Something simple and delicious. What arrived on my plate, however, was horrible - something sinister and disgusting.

As I would learn chopped steak at its best is a depression era relic - a gravy soaked fossil from a time of foul meats and fouler gravies. Smothering a week-old hamburger batty in heavily salted gravy, onions, and mushrooms makes a lot more sense when your primary concern is the lack of unsoiled meat to cook with.

The plate that was handed to me, however, has no place in this decade. As I forked through the rancid hockey puck of salted meat in front of me I weighed my desire to not insult the waitress versus the possibility that the gray matter in front of me would find its way to my heart, take root, and kill me.

"Just think of it as protein" my mom said, sawing a chunk off the rock solid "chicken parmesan" that swam in a sea of swollen noodles in front of her.

But instead I thought of my grandmother's nursing home. The food there was worse than terrible - so bad even my 94 year old grandma could tell it was crap.

I think I once saw some poor attendant try and feed her some similarly grim chunk of reconstituted, gravied scrap-meat. Grandma was never one to take any crap. She cursed at the food, cursed at the attendant, and demanded we take her to outback steakhouse.

Good call, grandma.

*totally not true, I just have a penchant for the dramatic. I'll be back in August.

OHIO

2009-03-17T19:15:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I'm going to Columbus, Ohio to visit my eldest brother Charlie. I'll be there until sunday, and I'll bring my laptop around for the ride.

What do I know about Ohio? Well... uh... didn't the Drew Carey Show take place around there?

Passport Freakout

2009-03-16T21:48:00.000-07:00

So when I applied for my Visa they took my passport. I assume it was to help the paperwork through.

Unfortunately, I totally forgot that they had my passport. When I looked for it on my train ride home , I freaked the hell out:
text in face reads: all I can do is hope to god that it is not on a train - if it is I may have to get a new one and that would be a night-mare

the Bearded Visa Conundrum

2009-03-15T22:27:00.001-07:00

Due to circumstances previously elaborated on I now have a beard - ergo the above is going to be my visa picture.

This presents me with a problem: I want to shave before I leave for Japan, but my lack of beard will make me look substantially different from the picture on my visa!

So what do I do?

Keep the beard until I make it to my apartment? Bring my electric razor and rush to the bathroom to de-beard after making it through customs?

Or just go bareface and chance it?

Plans for Japan

2009-03-14T22:52:00.000-07:00

Two of my friends and I discussed some of our goals for Japan. Here's the short list:

Joyce

Eat everything.
Buy a motor scooter with a sidecar.
Surround self in cherry blossoms.
Learn to ride the velocipede.

Ariyana

Train one of the deer in Nara Park to be ridden.
EAT THE DEER.
Steal a Wagyu cow from Kobe
BUTCHER THE COW
Marry the resulting steak
EAT THE STEAK

Sam

Have two trophy wives: one rich, one talented.
Form a three person traveling folk band.
Travel to the subways, play
Never alert one wife to the existence of the other (important!)
Make lots and lots of money.
EAT EVERYTHING!

Three Books I Saved

2009-03-13T23:14:00.000-07:00

So the house is going back on the market, which means we have to throw out all unnecessary things*. Today I went through the bookshelf in my bedroom and decided which books to keep!

The Three Books I Decided to Keep
rescued from my bedroom bookshelf

How to Stay Alive in the Woods Bradford Angier, 1956, 2001**
The Access Bible New Revised Standard Version with the Apocryphia***
Learning to Potty with PeeWee Potamus Samantha Smith and Maegan, 1996

*For real this time. For serious.
**Kept in hopes that I'll someday use it
***A gift from the church I grew up going to. I'm not religious, but I am sentimental.

New Sketchbook!

2009-03-12T22:48:00.001-07:00

I finally got a sketchbook so small I can take it anywhere:
Some excerpts:

Appropriation of a Meme

2009-03-11T21:19:00.000-07:00

Another meme - shamelessly stolen from facebook and distilled down to its most interesting parts:

[ NOW ]
Current mood: I feel like I left Baltimore a few days before I should have. I miss that craphole a lot more than I did a week ago.
Current taste: tim tams
Current annoyance: Tim tams keep me awake, but I only want to eat them at night!
Current smell: Basement. Old carpet and older tiling.
Current desktop picture: 18th century painting of the future
Current crush: oh god I don't even know anymore

[ DO YOU.. ]
Smoke?: Never tried it.
Remember your first love?: I feel like the older I get the more I understand what "love" is
Have any gay or lesbian friends?: Of course. You probably do to, even if you think you don't.
Believe in miracles?: I always leave room for something unexpected.
Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?: Faithful to what? I'll love strawberry shortcake until I die! Way to be ambiguous, question.
Consider yourself tolerant of others?: Tolerant? Like of people I don't like? I tend to avoid rather than confront - I'm workin' on it.
Consider love a mistake?: Love isn't a choice, so how can it be a mistake?
Like the taste of alcohol?: Like pure alchohol? The taste of burning? I do like a strong drink, sipped slow.
Believe in astrology?: Everyone needs a hobby...
Believe in magic?: It's not my nature to believe in magic.
Believe in God?: It's not my nature to believe in magic.
Have an obsession?: Food! Cats! Dogs! Nice pens! Videogames! Other countries! Finely crafted clothings! Isolation breeds obsession, I've been isolated for a while.
Have a secret crush?: always.
Have a best friend?: always
Wish on stars?: I stare at stars. Those dots are larger than any human could ever fathom. Really puts you in your place, man.

[ LOVE LIFE ]
Ever been in love?: Yes - though I think that word is a frustrating catch-all for a whole world of emotion.
Do you believe in love at first sight?: I think lust at first sight sometimes works out.
Do you believe in "the one?": The Jet-Li movie? I believe it sucked in a hilarious sort of way.
Describe your ideal significant other: Fun, smart, amazing.

[ APPEARANCE ]
Hair: Brown on head, light brown on cheeks, blond moustache - why!?
Height: 6' 4"

[ LAST THING.. ]
Bought: LIRR train ticket: Penn Station to Glen Head
Ate & Drank: Tim tams and milk (I HAVE A PROBLEM, A DELICIOUS PROBLEM)
Watched on TV: Throwdown with Bobby Flay

[ EITHER OR.. ]
beer or cider: Nothing is better than fresh cider. You can taste the apples.
cats or dogs: I... choose... BOTH. If you don't like animals I don't like you. Or you lack exposure.
gloves or mittens: Gloves. I'm glad mittens are around, though, to help lobster children feel normal.
coke or pepsi: Coke. It's all about nostalgia. Also their packaging is better.

[ WHO DO YOU WANT TO.. ]
kill: What? That won't solve anything.
look like: This guy.
avoid: ghosts

[ HAVE YOU EVER.. ]
Broken the law?: Once I stole a Powerade from an outdoor DC McDonalds. That's what they get for putting mustard on the burgers!
Run away from home?: A couple of times. Once I almost spent the night in a playground.
Been in a fight?: I think in fifth grade I put Adam in a choke hold. I don't really remember.

[ WHAT IS.. ]
Your bedroom like?: I'm not used to staying in a queen bed - I only use a little bit of it for sleeping, the rest is storage.
Your favorite thing for breakfast?: Croissant and coffee...

What's on your bedside table?: Japanese to english dictionary, camera battery charger, pens, loose paper.
What do you eat when you raid the fridge late at night?: Breakfast food!
Spontaneous or plain?: I plan things one day at a time.
What do you miss most about being little?: Not caring what other people thought about me. I'm getting back there.
Are you happy with your given name? Yes! Sam evokes pretty much all the things I'd want a name to. It's old fashioned without being pretentious - a simple good name. Thank you parents.
Do poor, homeless, or starving people sometimes annoy you?: Baltimore homeless people are the worst! New York homeless either leave you alone or have a talent.
Do you consider yourself to be a nice person?: Yes. Too nice, maybe.

I AM NOT A MACHINE.

2009-03-10T21:14:00.001-07:00

The best thing about going home is that I don't have to write blog posts on my iphone. The worst part is the... well... lack of people.

Leaves plenty of time to draw!

note: I'm toying with new ways of inking and coloring - I like where this one was going even if it never completely made it there.

Baltimore Trip: last day

2009-03-09T23:49:00.000-07:00

I end today feeling euphoric. At first this might seem strange - today didn't entail anything overtly spectacular - food with friends, relaxing by the TV, drawing a badass robot - it's just that all the pieces fit perfectly. If I could spend the rest of my life drifting through drinks and appetizers and art supplies and smart conversation with the people I love I don't think I'd ever be unhappy.

Tomorrow I'm going back to New York, where I'll be able to blog as per usual ( and sort out these 'read more' links).

This has been an amazing weekend. Tiffany, Yvonne, Nikki (not sure how to spell it, sorry!), Flora - you guys have been incredible. Thank you for welcoming me into your home, giving me a room, and generally going out of your way to make me feel comfortable. If you're ever in my neck of the woods, let me know.

And to all my other friends - those I've seen and those I didn't - I feel lucky to know so many good hearted people. When I go to Japan it's you guys I'll miss the most.

Concerning Wii Fit

2009-03-08T22:09:00.000-07:00

Wii fit is a cruel thing. It is a game that primarily revolves around standing on a white scale and tilting yourself. It isn't fun, and it requires a fair amount of concentration.

It sits unused in the corner until alchohol enters the picture - at which point it seems like a great idea. Unfortunately it is precisely when alchohol comes into play that playing it becomes a terrible idea. Rapidly shifting your weight from side to side with pinpoint accuracy is hard enough when you're sober. Try it drunk and... just try to not hit the table on your way down.

baltimore youth

2009-03-07T23:58:00.000-08:00

I was at the mall with my friend Kristina today. She is black (well, light brown - but, well, you know).

Group of baltimore kids:
"Hey dawg! Hey man! Yo, white dawg! You got game, man! You got you'self a black chick!? Yo, I ain't even tryin' to make fun of you or nothin! You got game!"

We could still hear them shouting as we walked away. I hope they could hear us laughing.

Back in Baltimore

2009-03-06T23:20:00.000-08:00

So here I am, back in Baltimore. While this grimy little place frequently finds ways to be depressing I am happy to be back. I rather like it here - surrounded by my friends and my friends' cats and my dad's forty year old sleeping bag. I'm glad I took one last chance to breathe it in before I skip town.

Note: I didn't bring my computer so I'm doing this on my phone - pardon the formatting, It'll be back by Tuesday.

OUA Acceptance!

2009-03-05T22:31:00.001-08:00

I got my acceptance letter from OUA slash certification of eligibility to enter Japan! I checked the mail today to find this swanky packet. While I dig the university's minimalist branding I have to say it's those rad Japanese postage stamps that take the cake.

Inside that envelope there was...

Another envelope! This one a bit more dour. Inside that one...An explanation of the envelope's other contents! A bit redundant, but necessary, since......this pretty little piece of bureaucracy isn't doing me any favors. Also...
Well, I'm just going to hope that's my acceptance letter. One of these days I'm really going to have to learn Japanese. Oh well, I'm one step closer!

Editing

2009-03-04T22:00:00.001-08:00

If I could edit my life, I would probably edit out all of the parts where I'm editing. It's fucking boring and takes forevs.

Suffice to say this video is going to take me at least another day.

Nevertheless I still found time to research Japan. Where better to start than the 90's Super Nintendo airline biz sumlator Aerobiz Supersonic!?

I'll just start my fledgling company in Osaka and...
Oh. Well screw you, Aerobiz. Stupid elitist videogame...

"makeup" Preview

2009-03-03T17:52:00.000-08:00

I'm working on a video - "makeup" - the first in a series of instructional videos.

Preview:

Moustache Wax

2009-03-02T16:48:00.001-08:00

Creepy Replies
to the question "what's with the moustache?"

It's called the "tummy tickler" - stick around and I'll show you why...
I call it the "hornometer" - the ends curl when I'm randy.
I made it out of shower drain hair. There might be a few of yours in there...
HIS NAME IS WINSLOW CHESTERFIELD AND I SHALL NOT DISCUSS HIS AFFAIRS IN POLITE COMPANY!
I don't know, but it tastes like children...

Strange drawings?

2009-03-01T21:08:00.000-08:00

God, I don't know.

Another Beard Limerick

2009-02-28T22:06:00.000-08:00

Sam had such great facial hair
that all the young ladies did stare
so he thought, though it seemed
it was something he'd dreamed
it really just give them a scare!

A Damp Evening Walk

2009-02-27T22:57:00.000-08:00

The best time to see Sea Cliff is late on a rainy night. The town goes silent. So silent that you can hear someone sneeze across town, maybe even recognize who it is. It's probably someone you want to avoid, but at least you know.

The rain uncovers the village's true scent. Its normal bouquet of exhaust and weed smell gives way to more familiar things - pavement, wet earth, pine needles and wood. It's comforting.

I spent most of my childhood playing in Sea Cliff - that's not something a lot of people can say. Most kids here spend more time at the seven eleven than Roslyn Park.

When I look out on these empty parks and winding streets I feel like they're mine - earned by twenty years of eminent domain. I don't feel like giving them up yet.

Fun With Ballpoints

2009-02-26T13:16:00.000-08:00

Microns and fountain pens are all good, but sometimes I'd much rather use a ballpoint.
Ugh, web-safe colors are so dull. Oh well.

The Wonders of Technology!

2009-02-25T22:14:00.001-08:00

Every once in a while a company manages to create a web experience so innovative that it changes the way you use the internet. With their "dressing room" feature H&M has certainly not created that kind of experience.

They start you off with the plastic corpse of some bricks-for-brains underwear model. You can try and tweak a few attributes to try and make it look like you - but it never will. If you try and import your own face, you'll wind up with something much more terrifying and hilarious, though.

Something like this:Sexy, non?

Facial Hair Plans

2009-02-24T20:50:00.000-08:00

So, ladies and gents, here are my plans in regard to facial hair:

For two weeks I am going to continue along my current path. I'm going to try and get as much beard-volume as possible. To help I'll be eating plenty of pine cone hearts and beartooth gristle - proven to stimulate beard volumization*.

Then, for my last 2-3 weeks I will be carving my beard down to a ridiculous olde timey moustache, which I will wear without a hint of irony. I will be aided in this wonderful nonsense by a whole lot of Clubman's moustache wax, which I have already ordered:

*this is a lie.

The Beginnings of a Song

2009-02-23T21:50:00.000-08:00

So I was sitting with my friend Rachel in a taco shack in the city when "Hurt" by Johnny Cash came on the radio. I explained to Rachel that it was actually a cover of a Nine Inch Nails song - then I realized that I'm missing out on the action; I should cover the song!

So I sat down with my concertina and my rapmaster and set about making my own version. That said, the song is pretty depressing - I might change "hurt" to "hugged."

Here is a (very) rough cut of what I'm working on:

hurt.mp3

Oscars

2009-02-22T22:59:00.000-08:00

The Oscars were entertaining! I think we just needed a host who wasn't just trying to be Billy Crystal. Hugh Jackman (alt: Huge Ackman) resisted the old song and dance by, well, singing and dancing.

He was energetic, self deprecating, and talented enough to make Zach Effron (spelling? who cares.) look like a soulless plastic shell by comparison - good show sir.

The non-Jackman parts were pretty good too, I guess. I didn't really notice... I spent most of the show pretending the stage was a giant monster...

Take that, hollywood!

Kristina's Birthday

2009-02-21T19:35:00.000-08:00

Hey gang. My friend Kristina turns 21 tomorrow. She is an illustrator and also awesome, check out her art blog.

I drew this for her:

Stretching

2009-02-20T23:15:00.000-08:00

I went to see a chiropractor a few weeks ago to help me with some lower back pain. He helped me by dumping bags of hot sand on my back, strapping my legs to the table, and winching my spine like a water pump.

I left with three sheets of stretches to practice every day. In order to make them easier for me to remember I redrew them and assigned them all new names.

Daily Stretches*
or at least the names I gave them

Leaning Tower
Snake Choke
Ground Kick
Ankle Biter
Leg Cracker
Floor Captain
Meltdown
Earth Lover
Back Rape
XXX

*please consult a professional before attempting any of the following stretches.

Bullet Curtain

2009-02-19T22:09:00.000-08:00

I'm ok at arcade games. I'm better than the average person I suppose, and I play them all the time. That said, every time I think I'm getting good I run across a video like this:

link*
Good god.

*I'll be linking to videos, since I'm linking to these from facebook (see below) which won't let you embed.

(note: for anyone seeing this on facebook, I have started feeding my blog posts into facebook. If you want to cut straight to the source (and see all the proper formatting, etc.), my blog is here.)

via dannychoo

Cat Simulator

2009-02-18T20:52:00.000-08:00

requirements: 15 Lb Sand Bag x1 audio player

Instructions:

Lie down on sofa
Place the sandbag on your chest
Play attached audio
Relax

download

A Skype Conversation

2009-02-18T16:14:00.000-08:00

me with a mask

2009-02-17T21:53:00.000-08:00

When I get bored I make masks out of things~

A Song, for You <3

2009-02-16T22:40:00.000-08:00

So for valentine's day I was going to do something bitter and sarcastic - but instead I opted for something sweet and sincere! Here's the video, if you can handle it:

note: if video does not work check back later - youtube takes forever to process.

Stalling for Time

2009-02-15T21:46:00.000-08:00

Video tomorrow! Preview:
Uuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmm. Yeah. Stay tuned.

State of the Beard: FINAL

2009-02-14T21:57:00.001-08:00

So here I am: a bearded American. I could keep this mofo going (growing?), but it would just look messier and messier, so I think I'm going to stay with a professorial short-beard. I lack the hair density to pull off anything longer without looking like a complete psychopath, and I would like to get a job, so let's leave it at that.

I rather like my beard, and I plan on keeping it for the month or so before I skip town. I plan on removing it in stages - any suggestions?

-also-

In honor of Valentine's day I finished up a song I was working on. Unfortunately, it still needs much more practice and a good amount of finish - so expect a video tomorrow night.

In closing, beard faithful, will you be my valentine?

RE: Valentine's Day

2009-02-13T23:52:00.000-08:00

IDEA

What am I going to do for valentine's day? Easy. I'm going to celebrate all of the awesome things I can do because I'm single. These include:

drink milk, soda, orange juice out of the bottle
order a dominoes pizza - eat half now, eat the rest over the next few hours
eat cheeto crumbs off of the couch
barbecue rib burrito.
not shower
play arcade games with TV on and music on
free expulsion of gasses
all of the above, wearing nothing but underpants

Happy relationship liberation day America!

I hope

2009-02-13T14:56:00.000-08:00

that people mistake me for this:

The Science of Sex Appeal

2009-02-12T21:09:00.000-08:00

Ground Breaking Discoveries
explicated in the Discovery Channel's "Science of Sex Appeal:"

Some people are monogomus, some aren't
Men look at women's hips and breasts to judge fertility
Women sleep with the macho guy, marry the nice guy
Women like expensive cars, large paychecks
The smell of copulating women drives men into a frenzy

Well thank god for science.

My Arms are Long.

2009-02-11T22:12:00.000-08:00

I have very long arms. Now I know what you're thinking: "Sam is a tall person, of course his arms are long!" Yes, I am tall, but my arms are long. Crazy long.

An anecdote:

My parents and I were shopping for a bargain basement suit at the Men's Warehouse*. The warehouse was a maze of multi-tiered shelving units stuffed with suits of questionable origin. The look of disgust I carried must have been something close to confusion, as it was not long before I was accosted by one of the store's decrepid staff.

I could feel the old man's hesitation as his shaking hand dragged his measuring tape down my arm. He looked me in the eye for a second, and measured my arm again. "Your arms," he said to me, "they're so long!" I was awkward and fifteen so I responded with a nervous head scratch and half smile. "Follow me," he said, dragging me by the cuff with his gnarled old claw.

After that fossil of a salesman dragged me accross the store, showing me off like a trophy bass, he explained to me that sleeves would never fit me, ever. See it's not just the legnth of my arms, its the relative legnth. My torso is L, my arms are XXL.

*buyers note: if you want quality anything with "warehouse" in the name is probably not your best bet.

I prefer biking to walking

2009-02-10T22:19:00.000-08:00

According to Cesar Milan a dog needs exercise, discipline, and praise in that order. I've been watching his show three hours a day, every day, for the past few weeks. I have come to the conclusion that Mr. Milan knows animals better than any other person on this fucking planet.

Yesterday I was working my way through a hunk of smoked Gouda and watching Dog Whisperer - an amazing combination, by the way - when I had an epiphany: Cesar knows animals, Cesar says animals need exercise to be happy, humans are animals, I am a human -> ergo I need exercise to be happy*. I've been giving my body nothing but praise, and have fallen out of a calm, healthy state.

So I got on my silk long johns**, thermal undershirt, neglected workout shorts and sneakers, and started biking.

Oh fatigue, what a strange beast you are! You vile expanding cloud of hot needles and sparks. First you inflate my lungs to bursting, then pulse through my extremities and settle in my eyeballs, throbbing against my skull to the beat of my racing heart. You torturous bastard!

Nevertheless the sense of victory I feel after overcoming you is almost as overwhelming as your effects. I know every time I face you I will be a bit stronger, and every time I overcome you I will return to the couch a bit more content. Next time I sit down to watch Dog Whisperer I will have earned that Gouda, god dammit.

*via the transitive property
**they're amazing - try them.
***I'm not apologizing for that picture - you knew what you were getting yourself into when you came here.

Fell asleep early

2009-02-09T20:33:00.000-08:00

Fell asleep early, woke up to write this entry. Too tired to write much, thanks for understanding!

ascii self portrait

2009-02-08T20:51:00.000-08:00

Another self portrait, always wanted to do this:

Click that shit for detail.

Hairs Cut

2009-02-07T21:18:00.000-08:00

I paid someone to cut my hairs!* In celebration I present to you this completely unaltered photo of me with my new haircut:

*specifically the hairs on my head.

Trips and Traps on Youtube!

2009-02-06T18:48:00.000-08:00

Beard faithful I have exciting news: today I am officially launching Trips and Traps on Youtube! Henceforth all of my videos from the blog will be uploaded there, alongside some smaller content not fit for the blog (the good stuff goes here).

Here is a video to start off with: