Christmas

It would be bad enough if these guys only had the star up during the season, but they keep this glowing monstrosity going all year long.

New this Christmas are the glowing reindeer, glowing faux-christmas tree (offscreen), and flickering action lines for the star.

My friend Mike is unlucky enough to live next door to this fluorescent behemoth. He's tried to sabotage it a few times - but it always returns brighter and more obnoxious than ever.

Now, I'm not religious, but wasn't Christ a big fan of humility? Somehow, I don't think that Jesus would be proud. Read more!

Santa?

Dear Santa: Thank you for the concertina. I've been futzing with it and it sounds great - like a thousand harmonica-faced kittens singing lullabies. I'm sure it will only sound better as I learn to play it. Some day I'll make a living off of it - playing strange sea shanty versions of David Bowie songs in New York subways. Those will be the days.

I know it was an esoteric present to ask for, and finding one must have been a bitch. My hope was that you would find the challenge refreshing - I imagine it's no fun carrying around a sack full of High School Musical backpacks and XBOX 360s.

And lets face it: you have a beard. If there's one thing I know about bearded peoples, it's that they all love the concertina. It's pretty much a universal fact. Just watch any pirate movie.

Oh, Santa, that reminds me - do you have any relation to Blackbeard (the pirate)? Were you ever a pirate? Are you guys locked in a cosmic allegorical battle that will determine the fate of the universe? I'm going to write a fan fiction about it.

Stay warm (though I hear things might warm up in your corner, so stay cool?)!

-Sammy

(unconnected thought: I saw a sign the other day that said "keep the Christ in Christmas." Well, if you take the "Christ" out of "Christmas," then you just get "mas" - which, for the record, is my first name backwards. Does that mean I'm the antichrist?) Read more!