Thursday, February 12, 2009

The Science of Sex Appeal

Ground Breaking Discoveries
explicated in the Discovery Channel's "Science of Sex Appeal:"
  • Some people are monogomus, some aren't
  • Men look at women's hips and breasts to judge fertility
  • Women sleep with the macho guy, marry the nice guy
  • Women like expensive cars, large paychecks
  • The smell of copulating women drives men into a frenzy
Well thank god for science. Read more!

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

My Arms are Long.


I have very long arms. Now I know what you're thinking: "Sam is a tall person, of course his arms are long!" Yes, I am tall, but my arms are long. Crazy long.

An anecdote:

My parents and I were shopping for a bargain basement suit at the Men's Warehouse*. The warehouse was a maze of multi-tiered shelving units stuffed with suits of questionable origin. The look of disgust I carried must have been something close to confusion, as it was not long before I was accosted by one of the store's decrepid staff.

I could feel the old man's hesitation as his shaking hand dragged his measuring tape down my arm. He looked me in the eye for a second, and measured my arm again. "Your arms," he said to me, "they're so long!" I was awkward and fifteen so I responded with a nervous head scratch and half smile. "Follow me," he said, dragging me by the cuff with his gnarled old claw.

After that fossil of a salesman dragged me accross the store, showing me off like a trophy bass, he explained to me that sleeves would never fit me, ever. See it's not just the legnth of my arms, its the relative legnth. My torso is L, my arms are XXL.


*buyers note: if you want quality anything with "warehouse" in the name is probably not your best bet. Read more!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

I prefer biking to walking

According to Cesar Milan a dog needs exercise, discipline, and praise in that order. I've been watching his show three hours a day, every day, for the past few weeks. I have come to the conclusion that Mr. Milan knows animals better than any other person on this fucking planet.

Yesterday I was working my way through a hunk of smoked Gouda and watching Dog Whisperer - an amazing combination, by the way - when I had an epiphany: Cesar knows animals, Cesar says animals need exercise to be happy, humans are animals, I am a human -> ergo I need exercise to be happy*. I've been giving my body nothing but praise, and have fallen out of a calm, healthy state.

So I got on my silk long johns**, thermal undershirt, neglected workout shorts and sneakers, and started biking.

Oh fatigue, what a strange beast you are! You vile expanding cloud of hot needles and sparks. First you inflate my lungs to bursting, then pulse through my extremities and settle in my eyeballs, throbbing against my skull to the beat of my racing heart. You torturous bastard!

Nevertheless the sense of victory I feel after overcoming you is almost as overwhelming as your effects.
I know every time I face you I will be a bit stronger, and every time I overcome you I will return to the couch a bit more content. Next time I sit down to watch Dog Whisperer I will have earned that Gouda, god dammit.

*via the transitive property
**they're amazing - try them.
***I'm not apologizing for that picture - you knew what you were getting yourself into when you came here.
Read more!

Monday, February 9, 2009

Fell asleep early

Fell asleep early, woke up to write this entry. Too tired to write much, thanks for understanding! Read more!

Sunday, February 8, 2009

ascii self portrait


Another self portrait, always wanted to do this:


Click that shit for detail. Read more!

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Hairs Cut

I paid someone to cut my hairs!* In celebration I present to you this completely unaltered photo of me with my new haircut:


*specifically the hairs on my head. Read more!

Friday, February 6, 2009

Trips and Traps on Youtube!

Beard faithful I have exciting news: today I am officially launching Trips and Traps on Youtube! Henceforth all of my videos from the blog will be uploaded there, alongside some smaller content not fit for the blog (the good stuff goes here).

Here is a video to start off with:

Read more!