Beard limerick

young Samuel's parents both feared
that he was growing a beard
Sam tried to protest
they said they knew best
and had him hog-tied and sheared*

*not really, I'm still bearded Read more!

Special Gift

Here is a special gift for the Beard Faithful:
Read more!

Another List of Things

Normally I am against chain mail. If someone would ask me to continue a chain, I would without hesitation. Employing ancient hexes, dead girls, and rofltrucks to threaten me, however, is a low blow.

That said, I do like the trend of people posting 25 facts about themselves. It's like they're saying "go ahead, internet stalk me, it's ok." Ok facebook psuedo-friend, I'll take you up on that offer.

Suffice to say, I have a weakness for crafting lists - so here is mine.

A List of 25 Obscure Facts About Me

I mean, why the hell not.

1. When I was a child I was obsessed with cows. This lasted until the fourth grade, when my teacher told me that I had to stop writing Cow-centric stories. Bitch.
2. I've gone through several awkward phases that never left my computer room: awkward rap phase, awkward metal phase*, awkward anime phase, etc. I prefer not to discuss them.
3. I'm a compulsive nail biter, sculpter, and trimmer. I perform all of these activities with my teeth. I fear that I'm wearing down my enamel.
4. When I was seven I punched Evan LaMagnia in the face. He started crying. So did I.
5. When I was a kid I ended up watching a lot of girl-ish movies from the fifties with my mom. On some level I still enjoy them.
6. I'm kind of afraid of driving.
7. I hate public bathrooms. I will hold off using a bathroom all day to avoid them. I've heard that holding it in can cause impotence - I really hope it isn't true.
8. That said I find few greater pleasures in life than a clean bathroom with a sturdy lock on the door. It's like an escape pod from society.
9. I think if everyone could be truly, deeply honest we would all be happier. I don't have the balls to live out this philosophy.
10. I have an intense fear of having my finger pricked. It made me cry until until the doctor stopped using a needle - I was fifteen.
11. I spit in a girl's hair in the third grade. It was an act of passion. I'm sorry.
12. When I was in second grade Russel wanted to play Water World. He wanted, specifically, to be Kevin Costner. That was weird.
13. Memory: My brother Jesse won't stop calling me a "doodie head." I get angry and attack his head with my chin. Then I try and kick him in the balls.
    
14. The only time I've ever sincerely tried to pray to god was for a snow day.
15. When nobody's around I talk to myself. Just kind of singing, going over conversations, etc.
16. When nobody's around and I'm walking on a tiled floor I try to avoid stepping on the cracks. Black tiles are hot lava!
17. My greatest fear is that I will develop the talent to realize my greatest dreams - and it will turn out my dreams themselves are not great enough.
18. Sometimes I sing songs about my cat, to my cat. I've been doing it since elementary school.
    
19. Once I start caring about someone I don't really stop. It's a problem.
20. When I was a kid I had a Swiss Army Knife that I loved. My parents took it away when my Dad found it in my bed.
21. I at times find myself so moved by hugs that I try and ration them out sparingly.
22. Bacne is the bane of my existence
23. Sometimes I think that I have huge thighs. I know it's silly.
24. I think I'm calmer alone and in nature than I am under any other conditions.
25. Personal philosophy: take a man and give him the power to do anything - then you'll find out who he really is.

*the music not the material - though that would be awesome Read more!

Songsmith

So I'm just going to go ahead and say it: Songsmith is the best thing to ever come out of Microsoft.

To those of you who don't know what it is please check out this terrible promo.*

Basically, Songsmith generates terrible campy music to any vocal track. This has resulted in some terrible/amazing youtube videos. These are the best:





For the love of god watch them. They're amazing.

*No, it's not a parody. Just painfully un-self-aware. Read more!

State of the Beard III: scanned

So how do I give you - my far away friends - a true measure of my current beard-atude? A full facial scan, obviously.* Click for higher rez!

*Yes, I drew a smile on my nose. Read more!

Blogging in Bed

So tomorrow my laptop should be returned to me via fed-ex, or so I have been informed by the Apple genius. If it does not arrive I will go to the mall and demand he rescind his title immediately.

What this means is I will now be able to blog in bed. Now please try and keep your carnal instincts at bay while you read this list:

The Sexy Side Effects of me Blogging in Bed

1. More sensual post titles
2. More inappropriate, poorly thought out sexual innuendo
3. Insertion of more sensual characters* into posts: S, Q, &, @, etc.
4. The implicit use of foreign accents [spoken in a bad French accent]
   
5. Sterilization**

*if you know what I mean
**using a laptop while lying down lowers your sperm count - sad but true Read more!

Condemned 2: bloodshot

Most of the time when I play a videogame I assume that the main guy is going to be better at videogame things than I am.

In Condemned 2 Ethan fits the bill most of the time.

He can get wasted and wander into a room full of swat troops, swing his gun firing wildly, and somehow pop all of their heads like water balloons. He can walk away from most gunshot wounds - if he really has to he can pop some pills to take care of the serious wounds. He can also make CSI-level crime scene deductions with little more than a blacklight and a cell phone. I can't do any of these things.

I can, however, throw small objects short distances relatively accurately. Nathan lacks this ability. When faced with a vial full of explosive gas and a nearby open window he chooses instead to aim for the window sill. Or the wall. Or a chair. The fact that I can load back just to see him relive his thumb-fisted* ineptitude is more torture than privilege. I'm tempted to pitch my controller at the screen - if not only to show how broken that game mechanic is in comparison.

Other than that the game is pretty fun so far.

*I went ahead and made that term up. For some reason, I think it makes sense? Read more!

My Cat is Sick

My cat is sick. The vet told me he's got some sort of inflammation in one of his vital organs. Apparently cats' organs are packed pretty tightly together - once one swells up they all start to swell.

So my cat has ballooned to about twice his normal size. He looks like a fuzzy gray beach ball with a cat head glued on (note to self: make fuzzy fat cat beach ball). He spent last night at the vet's taking fluids from the world's most adorable/depressing little IV. Now he's here - feverish though thankfully not vomiting anymore*.

The IV has given him enough energy to be a grumpy bastard again. It's good because it's nice to have my cat back, bastard that he is. It's bad because I have to force feed him kitty pepto bismol twice a day from a plastic syringe. He thanks me primarily with his teeth and claws. Apparently, cats aren't so big on bubblegum flavor.

*or crap in the shower - I'd rather not go into details Read more!

More Red Sketches.

A few more red pen sketches. Why is it I always end up liking cheap pens more than expensive ones? Read more!

Mr. Snaggletooth

Did some light sketching today with some red pens. This is my favorite from the bunch, but don't be surprised if the rest show up on a lazy day. Read more!

Japan Probe

So, for anyone interested in Japan I would like to turn you on to Japan Probe.

Japan Probe covers Japanese news and culture*... but only really stuff that foreigners would find interesting**. Stuff like Japan's wacky attempts at black comedy:

Keep in mind, of course, that blackface lacks its cultural significance over there. Also apparently they have a thing for bizarre impressions.

*if you can tune out all the "Japanese women for lonely white nerds" adds
**you know, monkeys in silly costumes, overt racism, etc. Read more!

Spare change

Today has been a pretty exciting day. Politically speaking, the US has finally switched regimes. I guess nobody knows where the country is going next; regardless it's good to have a president who can annunciate at a post-elementary level. For the record, I thought Barry's speach was dead-on. I'm tentatively anticipating what comes next.

It was also a pretty exciting for me on a personal level. I have purchased my plane tickets and wired my housing money to Osaka. All that remains is my Visa. I'm going to get my picture taken at a post office to keep things legit. I'll be posting it here of course.

Now, for some reason, I am really goddamn tired. Too tired to get up* and use the computer**
Tomorrow I'm posting a video of racially incensitive Japanese magician!

*to be fair, I would have to climb two flights of stairs as well
**I'm on my phone right now. Can thumbs get carpal tunnel? Read more!

Snow

I sat outside in the snow for a while in a lawn chair today. I was seduced by the cold smell of the winter air and the light crackle of the falling snow.

The snow in the sky diffused the sun's light, making the surrounding houses look fake. I was surrounded by a village of supersized miniatures - as if an evil scientist had reverse-shrink-rayed a train set.

I've always held contempt for most of the people who live here - stoners, slackers, yuppies, wannabe punks and the dejected suburban youth. The kids here have no boundaries. I imagine their parents thought transporting them to this Rockwellian village was parenting enough.

Nevertheless, there is something here I could never get in the city. Space. And Time. And quiet. Here I can sit in a chair and digest the sound of the falling snow. It's a luxury. Read more!

Porn.

I've made a comic about pornography. I imagine it won't be the last.

In other news, I went to the apple store today. My laptop had come down with a case of crash-itus* so I had made an appointment with a Genius** to discuss repair options. The cost of said repairs would have fallen on my (already financially stretched) parents, as I have no income. I was prepared for the fault to be in the laptop's logic board - a 600$ part which would need to be replaced.

This cost could have been avoided if I had opted for the extended warranty. "Warranty?" I asked my mother, "why would I need a warranty? Those warranties are a Steve Jobs invented to trick the slow and the elderly." Well, it seemed that an act of god had appeared to once again put me in my place.

Or had it? What is that Genius Vincent? A known defect? It costs nothing to fix? Well thank god. For a second there, I thought I was going to have to learn a lesson.

*terminal crashitus
**debatable
Read more!

Finger Face.

It's nice to put a positive spin on things... I gave my blisters silly dot eyes. Read more!

Osaka is Awesome (part 1)

Osaka is awesome! Why? Because if you pretend to shoot someone, they play along! I fully intend to test this theory.
Read more!

Non Sequitur

I didn't want things on this blog to follow a formula. This is a sketch of a soviet bear piloting my corpse through the sky - made just for you <3. Read more!

Moteru Desu-ka? (19)

#19 - 6.9% of Japanese men* want a driver's license

Sam: got it!

This isn't good. If having a driver's license makes you cool, then surely a cool car is going to be up there on the list somewhere - I don't think taking my mom's Suburban out on weekends qualifies.

That said, I guess I should take the small victory. Maybe they will think my license is cool - as long as they don't see the picture on it. Let's just say that sixteen was an awkward age for me. It took me a year or so to realize that a Beatles haircut doesn't work if you only shower once a week.

*who participated in this survey

Read more!

Am I a モテる (Moteru)?

So I read this survey over at what japan thinks.

The survey asked Japanese ladies and gents said what traits would help them be moteru - "an It Girl (or Boy), being able to turn guys’ heads and be the envy of your female friends." The results were interesting if not amusing.

I thought it would be fun to go through this list and see if I have what it takes to be popular in Japan. I'll be counting them down, starting with number twenty:

Moteru Desu-ka?
#20 - 4.5% of Japanese men* want whiter skin

Sam: got it!

Oh man, that was easy! Apparently, Japanese ladies like pale skin - for the first time, the pale comes in handy! Take everyone who winced at my sunless ankles! Screw you everyone who mocked my ever-present tube of sunscreen! Years of sunburns and ridicule were merely battle scars chronicling my ascent to dermatological victory!

That said, I'm kind of upset that it's the last one on the list. What could be next - browner hair? larger feet? height?

*who participated in the survey

Read more!

State of the Beard II

So here's where I am at four weeks. I know, I promised real (ok resolution) photos... well my camera is not playing well with my computer, so cell phone quality will have to do.

Beard progress has been slow.

Not only is my facial hair thin and blond - it also grows at speeds that rival continental drift. At this rate, I'm years away from my goal.

But, beard faithful, fear not!

Without a pressing reason to bail, I commit to continue cultivating my flimsy facial follicles! At this point, I don't think I'll end up looking distinguished per se - maybe I can settle for hilarious?

NOTE: Strange helmet / curly-q hair courtesy of rock-band induced forehead-sweat. Yes, you needed to know that. Read more!

State of the Beard II: POSTPONED

So, my laptop bit it today.

My previous problem (the screen cutting to black) kind of fixed itself. Unfortunately today my computer developed a worse affliction: pink boxes of death. The boxes showed up out of nowhere - freezing everything except my cursor for some reason. I turned my mac off... and now every time I try to turn it back on it tells me I need to restart. Not cool...

So sometime in the next few days I'm going to take 'er to the Apple store and see what the damage is. Hopefully they won't notice all of the stolen everything I've got installed in there...

Anyway, I want to have some pictures for my state of the beard. Since my lappie is out of commission, I'm going to have to charge my camera. It's three in the morning, so I'll do it tomorrow.

Also, I have a comic on illustrophilia. Check it out <3. Read more!

Ring the Concertina!

My goal in playing the concertina is to play something at publicly at MICA. I've decided on my first real song! I'm working out how to play it now. What song is it? Unfortunately it's a secret for now...

Some facts about the concertina:

• It's impossible to play without making retarded faces
  
• finding music for it is next to impossible
• It's real good at playing sea shanties...
• ... but playing anything else on it takes some... thought.
  
• chicks love it!*

Maybe once I get my shit together, I'll youtube me playing this song (in my basement)!

*unsubstantiated Read more!

ZOO

Flora and I went to the Bronx Zoo today. Highlights include:

• adorable baby otters*
• something on my head that may or may not have come from a bird
  
• an escaped peacock (see above)
• hideous baby mole rats
• a monkey touching itself inappropriately
  
• a red panda. awesome.

I fucking love that zoo.

*Baby otters squeek. A lot. It's amazing. Read more!

The Basement

There have been a few things stopping me from setting in to the basement.

Some were easily resolved. Giant crickets, for example, were no match for a vacuum. The same was true of the spider corpses - dangling from cobwebs like tiny marionettes.

Others not so much. I spent half an hour trying to pull the refrigerator door open. When I finally did get it open...

There's food in there from before my grandma died... it has spawned some sort of horrible black mold which has plastered itself all over the fridge's interior. The top of the 'fridge used to be a freezer compartment - now it's a giant block of ice: inside you can sea bags of peas trapped like woolly mammoths sans paleontological significance.

The biggest problem, however, is my height. This basement was never meant to be an apartment - but that didn't stop my parents from trying. The result is a well featured basement with a ceiling that's about two feet two short. Lots of head injuries ensue.

Read more!

Worn Out.

I'm pretty worn out, so I'm just going to go on for a bit here and then go to sleep.

I just finished playing Rock Band (the videogame) for a few hours with my friend Mike. Specifically, I was playing the [fake] drums. I'm exhausted.

My right leg feels like I just hopped a one-legged marathon. I'm guessing, of course. I imagine they don't really have one-legged marathons - I bet if they did they would be dominated by amputees.

My right arm has gone limp. Fake drums will do that to me. My "typing" has devolved into my left hand trying to guide my right arm as it haphazardly slaps and prods at the keyboard. Right hand, you have just been demoted to shift button duty.

I think I've forgotten what real excercise feels like. I think I did in high school, but I'm not sure. I've blocked out most of my memories from those days. It's better that way.

Regardless, I know something's wrong. My supper today consisted of a large bowl of chili, a burrito, half a plate of nachos, and another large bowl of chili - eventually this is going to catch up with me.

I have to get some excercise. Read more!

Mister Laptop.

Dear Laptop: You precocious little prankster. You sure must think it's funny - cutting to black seemingly at random just to grind my gears, then popping back to normal again with no warning. Oh man - only you would fake a thousand dollar problem like that you crazy cat, you.

That said, enough is enough.

You shouldn't joke around about problems like that, mister. Haven't you ever heard of the boy who cried wolf? Or the calculator who cried "80085"?

So just cut it out, ok? I promise I won't be mad. I'll even get you Photoshop CS4...

...please? Read more!

In Case of Zombocolypse

Would I look like this? Read more!

Ghosts

So, I was just looking through my computer, and I found a bunch of photos of myself from my freshmen year.

It scared the crap out of me. There I was: strange Wes Anderson haircut, pallid complexion, feigned confidence and all. I became overwhelmed with a rush of the worst nostalgia. All my freshmen insecurity and optimism escaped from the depths of my stomach, assaulting my brain as if seeking revenge for me trying to leave them behind.

It seems something like this happens every time I think I've figured myself out.

See what difference two years makes:

Read more!

Cusp.

-Words are Strange-

I dig isolating single words just to point out how bizarre they sound. Cusp. It barely reads like anything at all - a spelling mistake perhaps?.


I can't help but feel like I'm now approaching the cusp*:

I've been doing a whole lot of nothing this vacation. I eviscerated passersby in fallout. I watched a marathon six hours of dog whisperer. I bought sweaters. I maybe learned two songs on the concertina. And you know what? It's been dandy.


In my mind however I can feel the roots of something sinister sinking in - boredom. Oh boredom! You necessary evil! You cruel catalyst! You have once again slipped into my mind - drawing my consciousness away from the thought-muffling pleasures I desire.

I am on the cusp of a new period of productivity. On Monday I'll be moving into the basement, where I will draw, read, write, and learn as planned.

*Yes, I know that's not quite how you use that. No, I don't care. If you think it's stupid just replace "the cusp" with "a period of productivity" ok? Jerk. Read more!

Rudely Interrupted

Ladies and Gents, I present you with Rudely Interrupted, the first rock band to perform at the UN:



Why? Well, the members suffer from a melange of physical and intellectual disabilities (Blindness, Deafness, Aspergers, Autism and Down Syndrome). They are at once hilarious, depressing, and a little heartwarming(?). At their best they sound kind of like joy division, most of the time they sound (and look) like they belong on the Tim and Eric Awesome Show.

So is it wrong that these guys get exposure just because they're disabled? No. These guys love music, and really care about what they're doing - that alone puts them miles ahead the MTV crowd in my book.

I'm sick of no talent media idols getting bullshit music deals just to stroke their egos. Say what you will about their (terrible) music, at least Rudely Interrupted has integrity. Read more!

barrel rolling man?

Japanese TV seems to have a lot of these "experts" - people who are really awesome at doing one particular thing.

In America everyone is pushed towards the same dreams: pop star, basketball player, CEO. If you can't be one of these things, you can't be great. Most people settle for what they have.

In Japan it seems* like people are much more driven to master their craft - even if it's something as insignificant as steel drum rolling:



*WARNING! POSSIBLY MISGUIDED CASUAL CULTURAL OBSERVATION EMINENT! Read more!

UNDER CONSTRUCTION

NOTE:
I am currently playing with the CSS for this mofo - please be patient (: Read more!