Another Beard Limerick

Sam had such great facial hair
that all the young ladies did stare
so he thought, though it seemed
it was something he'd dreamed
it really just give them a scare! Read more!

A Damp Evening Walk

The best time to see Sea Cliff is late on a rainy night. The town goes silent. So silent that you can hear someone sneeze across town, maybe even recognize who it is. It's probably someone you want to avoid, but at least you know.

The rain uncovers the village's true scent. Its normal bouquet of exhaust and weed smell gives way to more familiar things - pavement, wet earth, pine needles and wood. It's comforting.

I spent most of my childhood playing in Sea Cliff - that's not something a lot of people can say. Most kids here spend more time at the seven eleven than Roslyn Park.

When I look out on these empty parks and winding streets I feel like they're mine - earned by twenty years of eminent domain. I don't feel like giving them up yet. Read more!

Fun With Ballpoints

Microns and fountain pens are all good, but sometimes I'd much rather use a ballpoint.
Ugh, web-safe colors are so dull. Oh well. Read more!

The Wonders of Technology!

Every once in a while a company manages to create a web experience so innovative that it changes the way you use the internet. With their "dressing room" feature H&M has certainly not created that kind of experience.

They start you off with the plastic corpse of some bricks-for-brains underwear model. You can try and tweak a few attributes to try and make it look like you - but it never will. If you try and import your own face, you'll wind up with something much more terrifying and hilarious, though.

Something like this:Sexy, non? Read more!

Facial Hair Plans

So, ladies and gents, here are my plans in regard to facial hair:

For two weeks I am going to continue along my current path. I'm going to try and get as much beard-volume as possible. To help I'll be eating plenty of pine cone hearts and beartooth gristle - proven to stimulate beard volumization*.

Then, for my last 2-3 weeks I will be carving my beard down to a ridiculous olde timey moustache, which I will wear without a hint of irony. I will be aided in this wonderful nonsense by a whole lot of Clubman's moustache wax, which I have already ordered:

*this is a lie. Read more!

The Beginnings of a Song

So I was sitting with my friend Rachel in a taco shack in the city when "Hurt" by Johnny Cash came on the radio. I explained to Rachel that it was actually a cover of a Nine Inch Nails song - then I realized that I'm missing out on the action; I should cover the song!

So I sat down with my concertina and my rapmaster and set about making my own version. That said, the song is pretty depressing - I might change "hurt" to "hugged."

Here is a (very) rough cut of what I'm working on:



hurt.mp3 Read more!

Oscars

The Oscars were entertaining! I think we just needed a host who wasn't just trying to be Billy Crystal. Hugh Jackman (alt: Huge Ackman) resisted the old song and dance by, well, singing and dancing.

He was energetic, self deprecating, and talented enough to make Zach Effron (spelling? who cares.) look like a soulless plastic shell by comparison - good show sir.

The non-Jackman parts were pretty good too, I guess. I didn't really notice... I spent most of the show pretending the stage was a giant monster...

Take that, hollywood! Read more!

Kristina's Birthday

Hey gang. My friend Kristina turns 21 tomorrow. She is an illustrator and also awesome, check out her art blog.

I drew this for her:
Read more!

Stretching

I went to see a chiropractor a few weeks ago to help me with some lower back pain. He helped me by dumping bags of hot sand on my back, strapping my legs to the table, and winching my spine like a water pump.

I left with three sheets of stretches to practice every day. In order to make them easier for me to remember I redrew them and assigned them all new names.

Daily Stretches*
or at least the names I gave them

1. Leaning Tower
2. Snake Choke
3. Ground Kick
4. Ankle Biter
5. Leg Cracker
6. Floor Captain
7. Meltdown
8. Earth Lover
9. Back Rape
10. XXX

*please consult a professional before attempting any of the following stretches.

Read more!

Bullet Curtain

I'm ok at arcade games. I'm better than the average person I suppose, and I play them all the time. That said, every time I think I'm getting good I run across a video like this:


link*
Good god.


*I'll be linking to videos, since I'm linking to these from facebook (see below) which won't let you embed.

(note: for anyone seeing this on facebook, I have started feeding my blog posts into facebook. If you want to cut straight to the source (and see all the proper formatting, etc.), my blog is here.)


via dannychoo Read more!

Cat Simulator

requirements: 15 Lb Sand Bag x1 audio player

Instructions:

1. Lie down on sofa
2. Place the sandbag on your chest
3. Play attached audio
   
4. Relax

download Read more!

A Skype Conversation

~© sexy nice girl sex webcam
7:13 PM
How You Like Me Now

Sam Thurman
7:13 PM
I DO NOT LIKE YOU AT ALL

oh skype spam... Read more!

me with a mask

When I get bored I make masks out of things~ Read more!

A Song, for You <3

So for valentine's day I was going to do something bitter and sarcastic - but instead I opted for something sweet and sincere! Here's the video, if you can handle it:



note: if video does not work check back later - youtube takes forever to process.
Read more!

Stalling for Time

Video tomorrow! Preview:
Uuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmm. Yeah. Stay tuned. Read more!

State of the Beard: FINAL

So here I am: a bearded American. I could keep this mofo going (growing?), but it would just look messier and messier, so I think I'm going to stay with a professorial short-beard. I lack the hair density to pull off anything longer without looking like a complete psychopath, and I would like to get a job, so let's leave it at that.

I rather like my beard, and I plan on keeping it for the month or so before I skip town. I plan on removing it in stages - any suggestions?

-also-

In honor of Valentine's day I finished up a song I was working on. Unfortunately, it still needs much more practice and a good amount of finish - so expect a video tomorrow night.

In closing, beard faithful, will you be my valentine? Read more!

RE: Valentine's Day

IDEA

What am I going to do for valentine's day? Easy. I'm going to celebrate all of the awesome things I can do because I'm single. These include:

• drink milk, soda, orange juice out of the bottle
• order a dominoes pizza - eat half now, eat the rest over the next few hours
• eat cheeto crumbs off of the couch
• barbecue rib burrito.
• not shower
• play arcade games with TV on and music on
• free expulsion of gasses
  
• all of the above, wearing nothing but underpants

Happy relationship liberation day America! Read more!

I hope

that people mistake me for this:
Read more!

The Science of Sex Appeal

Ground Breaking Discoveries
explicated in the Discovery Channel's "Science of Sex Appeal:"

• Some people are monogomus, some aren't
• Men look at women's hips and breasts to judge fertility
  
• Women sleep with the macho guy, marry the nice guy
  
• Women like expensive cars, large paychecks
• The smell of copulating women drives men into a frenzy
  

Well thank god for science. Read more!

My Arms are Long.

I have very long arms. Now I know what you're thinking: "Sam is a tall person, of course his arms are long!" Yes, I am tall, but my arms are long. Crazy long.

An anecdote:

My parents and I were shopping for a bargain basement suit at the Men's Warehouse*. The warehouse was a maze of multi-tiered shelving units stuffed with suits of questionable origin. The look of disgust I carried must have been something close to confusion, as it was not long before I was accosted by one of the store's decrepid staff.

I could feel the old man's hesitation as his shaking hand dragged his measuring tape down my arm. He looked me in the eye for a second, and measured my arm again. "Your arms," he said to me, "they're so long!" I was awkward and fifteen so I responded with a nervous head scratch and half smile. "Follow me," he said, dragging me by the cuff with his gnarled old claw.

After that fossil of a salesman dragged me accross the store, showing me off like a trophy bass, he explained to me that sleeves would never fit me, ever. See it's not just the legnth of my arms, its the relative legnth. My torso is L, my arms are XXL.


*buyers note: if you want quality anything with "warehouse" in the name is probably not your best bet. Read more!

I prefer biking to walking

According to Cesar Milan a dog needs exercise, discipline, and praise in that order. I've been watching his show three hours a day, every day, for the past few weeks. I have come to the conclusion that Mr. Milan knows animals better than any other person on this fucking planet.

Yesterday I was working my way through a hunk of smoked Gouda and watching Dog Whisperer - an amazing combination, by the way - when I had an epiphany: Cesar knows animals, Cesar says animals need exercise to be happy, humans are animals, I am a human -> ergo I need exercise to be happy*. I've been giving my body nothing but praise, and have fallen out of a calm, healthy state.

So I got on my silk long johns**, thermal undershirt, neglected workout shorts and sneakers, and started biking.

Oh fatigue, what a strange beast you are! You vile expanding cloud of hot needles and sparks. First you inflate my lungs to bursting, then pulse through my extremities and settle in my eyeballs, throbbing against my skull to the beat of my racing heart. You torturous bastard!

Nevertheless the sense of victory I feel after overcoming you is almost as overwhelming as your effects. I know every time I face you I will be a bit stronger, and every time I overcome you I will return to the couch a bit more content. Next time I sit down to watch Dog Whisperer I will have earned that Gouda, god dammit.

*via the transitive property
**they're amazing - try them.
***I'm not apologizing for that picture - you knew what you were getting yourself into when you came here.
Read more!

Fell asleep early

Fell asleep early, woke up to write this entry. Too tired to write much, thanks for understanding! Read more!

ascii self portrait

Another self portrait, always wanted to do this:

Click that shit for detail. Read more!

Hairs Cut

I paid someone to cut my hairs!* In celebration I present to you this completely unaltered photo of me with my new haircut:


*specifically the hairs on my head. Read more!

Trips and Traps on Youtube!

Beard faithful I have exciting news: today I am officially launching Trips and Traps on Youtube! Henceforth all of my videos from the blog will be uploaded there, alongside some smaller content not fit for the blog (the good stuff goes here).

Here is a video to start off with:

Read more!

BONUS POST - how strange can you handle your music?

DODDODO is from Osaka:



via Japan Onchi Read more!

delerium

So this stomach thing has turned out pretty terrible. I spent all night awake in a cold sweat and all day in the fetal position, eating saltines and drinking coke.

For some reason the foods I most desperately want to eat are the very ones that will quickest be expelled from my body: pasta in vodka sauce, yogurt and granola, and cheesburgers have been floating through my mind - as if dangled by Satan himself to test my resolve.

So, sadly, I could not partake of the deliciously evil Japanese curry I so craved. Some day I will - and when I do there will be pictures of it here. For the moment I'm going drag myself into bed. I think the oatmeal I just ate is staying put pretty well, but only time can tell. Read more!

Not feeling so hot.

So there's something wrong with my stomach tonight. Something vile. Something that wants to take the teriyaki chicken I made for supper and rocket it out of my body with the stregnth of a wood-chipper .

I was going to edit this video of me playing through an arcade game, but I need to nurse myself a bit here. Tomorrow I'm going into the city to meet a friend for some Japanese style curry. It's like... fried things and rice mired in a swamp of delicious. Basically, I'm punishing my colon for not behaving. Maybe I'll have soup instead... Read more!

Charlie Turned 29

Today* is** my brother's 29th birthday! This means he is one year away from being older than I could ever conceive of my brother being. That day should be exciting, as one of our heads will surely explode.

In the meantime, here is the small comic I made my brother for his birthday:
Blogger, as always, keeps the resolution terribly small... so click that shit.

*yesterday
**was Read more!

Oh, and one more thing:

I'm sitting here with my sleeping cat. He is OUT, man.

Unfortunately he fell asleep with his head on my elbow, pinning me to the sofa:


So I guess I'm not going anywhere for a while. He's pretty adorable - at least, when he's asleep. Read more!

SNES Junkie

I'd rather not formalize this any more than I have to. I know it's customary at NA for a junkie to stand and make a declaration of his vice. We all know the format.

Instead I will, honestly, come clean: I'm back on the SNES. I started using yesterday, and everything's pretty much been a blur since. A gloriously magical, pixelated blur.

And there is something magical about Super Nintendo. Something that numbs my mind. It could be that the many small triumphs that come with a SNES game are a favorable alternative to reality. Maybe its the connection I have come to feel with the small teams who created these games. Maybe staring at an eight inch flickering, distorted little person for eight hours tricks my brain into a coma.

I come from a family of alchoholics with eating disorders*. Somehow I've managed to avoid all the traditional addictions that have wilted my family tree. Today when I stumbled out of the dark basement I cought a glimpse of myself in the mirror - unwashed, glasses akimbo, eyes glazed over, pupils dialated - and I realized that gaming for me isn't just a habit, it's an addiction.

*also they're great people. Just so you know.

I started playing Chrono Trigger yesterday. I have beaten it nine times already, twice not including "new game +". I am 18 hours in, and on track to beat it tomorrow. Read more!

Out-take

Oh man. I've been fixing little things on my porfolio website, and sweet god has it been tedious. I find that trying to work the kinks out of sloppy code is a bit like trying to build a sand castle one grain at a time.

Since I'm too tired to do anything creative, here's an outtake from that last video!




Cursing aside, that video was really fun to make. I'm thinking about making more / starting a youtube channel. Can you dig it? Read more!